Tag Archives: tim henman

Take a look at me now…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog (there were no ‘likes’). Indeed, it’s hardly a surprise given that the format of the ‘blog totally messed up and looked as fundamentally wrong as the idea of George Michael teaching a course in how to drive safely – it was also the silliest format of something I’ve seen since the 2001 Wimbledon tennis tournament started with the final on day 1 and then worked backwards to the first round… although at least it meant Tim Henman got through to the second week for a change…


I was a bit surprised to see that no police officers contacted me to complain – although I think that a fair amount of them were a bit busy passing top secret information to News International or carelessly shooting Brazilians wearing bomber jackets (not that kind of bomber…).


Anyhow, it’s time stop talking about guns and move onto today’s ‘blog, which is about guns. Specifically, it’s about guns in America and their views on gun control. One big anti-gun campaigners is the demi-god that is Piers Morgan… sorry, I meant ‘the dickhead that is Piers Morgan’. To be fair to him, and I’ll happily say it, I agree with Piers Morgan on this point – even though I wouldn’t be that adverse to someone shooting Piers Morgan.


After numerous recent gun-related atrocities in American schools, the state of South Dakota have announced that they will allow teachers (and other people who work in schools) to carry guns with them if they want, the idea is that by giving people guns it will make things safer. That’s a great plan, could there possibly be a better way to prevent schoolchildren getting shot than putting guns into schools?


Yes. Yes there could… and it would involving not bringing in laws that actively encouraged people taking guns into school. Such a viewpoint is about as logical as getting a tax avoider like Philip Green to head up a Government review it getting people to pay tax… oh no wait, that actually happened…


I suppose the preferred method should just be to give all the schoolchildren guns as well. Then that way they could adopt a star wars approach and everyone would be safe as all the people had the same weaponry and therefore everything would be fine – that would work surely?


Clearly it wouldn’t and I was watching a staunch advocate of gun use was on the news giving a speech the other day about allowing every man and woman in American access to a gun… he was also wearing a pretty horrible vest with no shirt and jumper… it all looked a bit inappropriate and vests like that should be banned… although the American constitution does give the right for him to bear his arms…

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Occupational Hazard

Yesterday’s ‘blog post received 1 ‘like’. So it was 25% as good as Tuesday’s ‘blog (or 4 times worse?). That said, as the ‘blog is online, it still has the entirety of time to get an additional 3 likes.

Anyhow, I made the decision yesterday to ‘blog about the Swansea vs Chelsea game and I was ready and raring to give a full analysis of this incredible 0-0 draw. Then, with 10 minutes to go Chelsea’s Eden Hazard decided to kick a ball-boy – so sorry if you’re a football purest, I’m going to be ‘blogging about the incident instead of the tactics and defensive techniques employed during the game (although admittedly, I’ll probably drift of onto a bit of a tangent at certain points).

Having watched the footage of Hazard’s kick, I was disappointed – but that’s because I’d heard that he had kicked a boy in the balls, but it turned out that he tamely kicked a ball-boy (although the ball boy was 17, so technically he was nearly a ball man).

Hazard was condemned and sent off and thus became one of the very few infamous Belgians. Hazard claimed that he kicked the ball, not the boy. As excuses go, it’s a pretty poor one – a middleweight boxer couldn’t punch someone on the street and then claim that it’s fine as it was a good clean shot to the head and that these are permitted under International Boxing Federation rules.

Gordon Taylor of the PFA said that Hazard shouldn’t ‘have taken the law into his own hands’, which is a bit extreme given he hardly shot someone (after all, that’s Ashley Cole’s job in the Chelsea team, after the training ground incident a few years ago – one a Gunner, always a Gunner and all that). To be fair to Hazard, he barely touched the ball-boy – who, unfortunately, went down to the ground and rolled on the floor like he was a professional football player.

The situation was that bizarre that when the ball-boy entered the Chelsea dressing room after the game to receive an apology, Swansea’s Media Manager praised John Terry for his ‘exemplary behaviour’ – and it was in a good way as well, not like normal when he’s only exemplary at being a morally repugnant individual.

Following red card, Eden Hazard will now be forced to watch this weekend’s game at home, apparently he’s planning on putting a TV out on his lawn and watching it with Adam, Eve, a snake and a few apples – they’re the inhabitants of the garden of Eden.

To be fair to Hazard, he’s not the first sportsman to injure an official, and a voluntary official at that. In the Queen’s Club tennis final last year, Argentina’s David Nalbandian was disqualified after he accidentally kicked the line judge – Nalbandian later explained that his coach had told him to serve and volley a bit more and that he’d got a bit confused.

You couldn’t help but feel sorry for the line judge in question who was a fairly elderly gentleman who had probably phoned his grandchildren that morning to say he was officiating in the final and would be on TV. I’d suspect that it wouldn’t have occurred to him that wearing cream trousers wasn’t a good idea in case one of the players kicked him and a blood stain appeared on his trousers slowly getting larger like an interactive map showing the territory Hitler had invaded in the time leading up to World War 2 – more fool him I say, he needs to plan better.

Nalbandian isn’t the only tennis player to be been involved in such an incident though. Indeed, Britain’s own Tim Henman hit a tennis ball in rage during the 1995 Wimbeldon Championships and it struck a ball-girl on the head, knocking her out in the process… the ballgirl was said to be confused, dazed and disoriented… but she got back up and managed to beat Henman 6-3, 7-5, 6-1…

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Education, Education, Use a thesaurus you lazy sod…

Apparently yesterday’s ‘blog post got 4 ‘likes’. I don’t really know what this means, but nonetheless, it’s more than we’ve ever had before and the WOWS ‘blog needs to covert the remaining 6,999,999,996 of the world’s population of 7billion to capture domination of the entire planet.

Unfortunately, the chance of that happening at the moment are about as likely as the shelf on Tim Henman’s trophy cabinet buckling under the weight of its contents (he put’s his Argos catalogue on the bookshelf nowadays).

It has been suggested that some people found this ‘blog after I was rude about Piers Morgan yesterday. However I’m not going to be rude towards Piers Morgan again as I don’t think he deserves the oxygen of publicity – after all, it’s debatable as to whether he deserves oxygen.

Anyhow, today Michael Gove announced plans to do something with A Levels, but I’m not exactly sure what he’s proposed as I didn’t bother to read the story in full – I saw that some head teachers had said that the plans were incoherent, so I didn’t think I’d be able to understand them given that they don’t make sense to head teachers (who are hopefully more knowledgeable and clued-in than me).

Gove’s plans appear to be tailored towards ensuring students get a deep understanding of a subject before they forget it all after they take their exam (I’m hoping I’m not they only one that this happens to?).

As I say, the plans have been attacked by a number of parties and it’s even said that the it will make it harder for students from less able backgrounds to get into Oxbridge Universities. I’ll be honest, I’m not the most able student in the world – to such an extent that I don’t even know where Oxbridge is!

I’m not really sure why Michael Gove believes he’s qualified to impose his views on education onto the rest of the country (save for the fact that the Education Secretary, obviously), given that he was educated at Eton College surely he doesn’t have a full grasp of the education system? By the way, I heard the other day that Eton College is meant to be merging with the illustrious Wellington School to make a half Eton Beef Wellington; does anyone know if that’s true?

So whilst Gove’s plans appear to be getting a grade D, it will be interesting to see whether the plans will facilitate either an increase in vocational courses (so young people can be highly skilled at doing professions, even though there aren’t any jobs available) or will try to stretch and further develop the most talented (not that Gove would spot such people, given that he hangs around with politicians).

It’s hard to know exactly what these plans will achieve and I’d have dearly loved to have been more successful in my A Levels where I failed geography because I could never find the classroom, failed history (but fortunately I’ve put it behind me) and failed religious studies (God help me)… I also failed drama… although I didn’t make a song and dance about it…

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This week Jimbo & Fisher opted to tweet about Sport. Here a few of the highlights. Remember to follow @jimbostudios and @CFishTank on Twitter for more Tweets every Sunday evening from 10.15pm.

Sumo Wrestling – fat men wearing nappies and pushing each other..it’s not wrestling

Kasper Schmeichel – a goalkeeper like his dad but a lot paler and friendlier

David Seaman – former England goalkeeper, I won’t tell a joke about lobbing him

Javelin – an olympic game in which athletes try to throw Peter Crouch as far as they can

Ashley Cole – now he’s divorced is considering changing his name to Ashley Tweedy, or something like that…

Sky Sports – don’t actually broadcast many air based sports like paragliding bit of a let down

Kick Boxing – its like boxing but with your feet, it must be hard to walk with boxing gloves on your feet

Squash – its a sport that Lisa Riley off Emmerdale used to play with her boyfriend late at night in bed

Curling – you would think that the organisers of this event would have already swept the ice clean before

Rugby- there are 2 types, one is played by big ugly men and the other is played by ugly big men

Darts – not enough ninjas and assassins play this sport.

Chris Eubank – once introduced Steven Stephenson at an after dinner speech and drenched everyone in saliva

Steve Mcmanaman – the muppets sang a catchy song about him, manamana…

Alex Ferguson- has been at Man United for 25 years – and he hasn’t scored once. Rubbish.

Christiano Ronaldo – was bowled over when he won player of the year – even though no-one touched him

Tim Henman – was a Wimbledon semi finalist in 2009, 2010 and 2011 – when he worked as a commentator…

Combined Universities Netball Team – they prefer to use their full name and not the acronym…

Breast Stroke – very popular in swimming…in the showers

Water polo – it’s an enjoyable sport, but teaching the horses to swim is really difficult

Croquet – a game which involves you hitting your balls with a mallet.

Jessica Ennis- is married to a man called Paul Ennis – she loves P.Ennis…

Tennis Umpire- one of these was once castrated in a freak tennis accident, he then said “new balls please”

John ParrotJohn Parrott- he’s now a snooker commentator and he always repeats what the other commentator says

Bobsleigh racing – You have to borrow Bobs sleigh if you want to play

Weight Lifting – a sport not to be confused with Rick Wallers bedside crane

Surfing – I went surfing not long ago, then deleted my history

Dirty Tackle – footballers like Ashley Cole and John Terry should really be tested for this

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