Tag Archives: Tesco

And they’re off…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’, which made it about as popular a man who has eaten a load of baked bean and has slightly misunderstood the meaning of being in the wind section of an orchestra. I did however get a comment on an old ‘blog which I think was a fake comment by a ‘bot – the fact the ‘blog was described as well written and entertaining was a bit of a giveaway. 

 

I was a bit surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t get any correspondence from either the Chancellor George Osborne or the Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls – although they apparently both wanted to get in touch with me, but insisted that they couldn’t possibly agree on something, so they’re currently arguing with each other as to who will write to me. 

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move away from unethical politicians and move onto something a bit more upstanding: horse racing.

 

There was a popular and well known race on today and I backed Doris, Ethel and Peggy to be in the top three in today’s Gran National…

 

Although I’m told that the race actually involved 39 horses and apparently there was 1 seabass involved, who was a hotly tipped favourite – although it ultimately floundered.  

 

I believe that seabass was also ridden by Katie Walsh, who was riding in the National with Ruby Walsh – which made it the first time that two sisters were riding in the Grand National. 

 

There were a few interesting names in the race, with my chosen horses being called Hung Like a Human, Government’s Stance on Benefits (that one was blinkered) and Oscar Pistorius Following the Theft of His Legs (that was a non-runner). 

 

My own personal success in the National was limited as I backed one horse to win at 15 to 1 – but he was bloody useless and he couldn’t answer any of William G Stewart’s questions (that’s a pretty tenuous link, but hopefully fans of old Channel 4 daytime quiz shows will find that joke one amusing).  

 

This year’s race was a bit unusual in respect that it was televised on Channel 4 instead of the BBC much to many people’s annoyance. You know, Channel 4? It’s that TV channel that always puts the boring horse racing on a Saturday afternoon…

 

There wasn’t much to write home about in the race, but it was won by 66-1 outsider Auroras Encore and once Encore finished, all the racegoers cheered and chanted his name – so he came back out and ran the race again…

 

In all honesty though… the race appears to have been a success as no horses have been put down… last year’s race saw two horses being put down and some cheeky so and so tried to sell one of them to me… I told him that he was flogging a dead horse… fortunately he managed to sell it to Tesco though…

 

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Shrove Wednesday…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog; but that said, there wasn’t much of a ‘blog either. If anything, I’d expect that a ‘blog which is streamlined more than Sir Chris Hoy in a windtunnel would be more popular than a long winded ‘blog where I drift off on a tangent and make up a load of rubbish – by the way, talking about ‘tangents’, isn’t that how you’d describe David Dickinson and Dale Winton?

Anyhow, yesterday was Shrove Tuesday and it’s a tradition that many people give something up for Lent, which commences on Ash Wednesday (which is today, or yesterday if you’re reading this ‘blog tomorrow). Personally, I’ve decided to give up pancakes for lent.

It’s quite common for me to over indulge on Shrove Tuesday, I often eat so much that my internal organs start hurting. Bizarrely, the main organ that ends up in pain in my pancreas – it hurts so bad, that I think they should stop calling this particular day Shrove Tuesday and they should instead call is Panc-ache Day, but I don’t think anyone will start calling it that…

I’ll be honest, that last pun was terrible, absolutely crepe in fact – I’ll try to think of a few batter pancake related jokes to tell, but I’m cautious that I’ll end up sounding like I’m flipping stupid…

Quite why pancakes appeal to people on Shrove Tuesday is beyond me, if they’re that nice then wouldn’t we have them regularly throughout the year? Perhaps the whole thing is a marketing ploy by pancake manufactures (by that I mean Pancake Day, not the whole thing about lent lasting until Maundy Thursday which is the day before Jesus died – if pancake manufactures did make that up about Jesus being resurrected, then I’ll have to doth my cap to them as it’s probably the best work of fiction since reading Chris Huhne’s statement to the Police on his whereabouts when his wife was alleged to be speeding).

A large part of the tradition of making pancakes is the question of which filling people have in their pancakes, personally I have the combination of syrup (which is as golden as one of Jessica Ennis’ medals and just as sweet as she is as well) and lemon juice (which is as bitter as Andrew Ridgley when he picks up a copy of George Michael’s greatest solo hits album). Although if that doesn’t interest you, then the Tesco are doing their own black treacle and black beauty pancakes as well…

There’s also many traditions that occur on Shrove Tuesday, in particular some towns have special races where people race along whilst flipping a pancake and they have to get to the finish line without dropping the pancake. One of the best exponents of this was Piers Morgan… who won the packcake-flip race in his home town of Guildford every year between 1984 to 2003 (except from 1991, when he couldn’t compete because he unfortunately got his head stuck up his own arse on the morning of the race)… still 19 victories in 20 years is very impressive… what a tosser…

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Feeling a little horse…

The wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, although a couple of Italian men got in touch to say that they enjoyed my references to Shakespeare and they asked if I’d try to drop in the name of a few Shakespearean plays into today’s ‘blog – I said that I try my best to do what I could for these Two Gentleman of Verona…

Anyhow, it’s time to crack on with today’s topic, which is food products. I ‘blogged about this about 3 weeks ago, but the story has come back into the news. It turns out that a lot of the purported cow-related food wasn’t what is claimed to be on the side of the packaging. Whilst people were led to believe that they were eating cow meat, it was actually bullsh*t…

These people were of course eating horsemeat, with some ‘beef’ products containing up to 100% horsemeat. Apparently this really annoyed the workers on the production line of the ready meals factory, some of whom had been working incredibly hard and had put in 110%…

Quite how a lasagne can contain 100% horsemeat is beyond me, as surely it should contain pasta and tomatoes as well? Whoever made these lasagnes had a real Comedy of Errors.

Whilst many supermarkets have withdrawn products, wholesalers have also been affected and therefore certain restaurants have had issues with their meals. For example, one pub near Legoland had a group of local ladies attending a meal whilst their husbands were playing golf. The women ate a lot of horsemeat, but because they’d had so much to drink they didn’t notice – apparently The Merry Wives of Windsor weren’t really bothered…

There’s also been murmurs in the press about certain celebrities consuming some of the meals containing horsemeat, these include: Lee Mack, Beth Tweddle, David Beckham’s son Romeo and Juliette Lewis. However, this isn’t the first time that we as a nation have suffered a horsemeat scare, during World War 2 there was a similar scare which made the well known cigar smoker and then Prime Minster Winston Churchill nearly choke on his Hamlet went heard the news.

It’s hard to know where this will end, perhaps it will turn out that ham contains hamsters and I was shocked to find out recently that the beefcake I ate last weekend didn’t contain any trace of Peter Andre whatsoever… I’m not sure whether it should have done, but I’m sure I imagined this when I was asleep one evening last July… but that may have just been a Midsummer Night’s Dream…

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Every Little Helps… actually, just give us all your money…

There was limited feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, although one Canadian person did suggest that I start charging people to read this ‘blog – but unfortunately the amount they were willing to pay per day had just been taken out of circulation.

Additionally, the ‘likes’ were back, with 3 recent ‘blog posts receiving ‘likes’ in the last 24 hours, the WasteOfWebSpace ‘blog is so timeless that we can receive ‘likes’ 2 weeks after our daily ‘blog has been posted (if you’re reading this, feel free to give it a ‘like’ – even if you’re reading it in the year 2036 and the internet is slowly getting phased out of society by things like cars that run on water and high speed rail).

Anyhow, talking about moving with the times, the former top man at Tesco (‘Tesco’ also being the name of Lord Sebastian Coe’s sister by the way), Sir Terry Leahy, said that the closure of small shops is ‘part of progress’ (presumably for British life?). Although I don’t really know what he’s talking about as I often go to smaller shops – such as Tesco Express and Sainsbury’s Local…

Leahy’s comments were made on Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs, where the premise of the show is that he had to chose his favourite songs to take with him whilst he was castaway to a serene tranquil environment… which was slightly ruined by the massive Tesco Extra that had been built on the sandy white beach…

To be honest, I’m the same as I’m guessing everyone else and I shop at the large supermarkets as it’s far more convenient and supermarkets will sell everything – to the extent where they don’t really sell much food nowadays.

As I say, they do sell anything there nowadays. When I was in my local supermarket yesterday, Mr Kipling was in the store and was happily signing cakes in the bakery (I also asked him to sign my copy of the Jungle Book, but apparently that’s a different bloke. I and a lot of other people started to panic at finding this out – if only I could have kept my head whilst all around me were losing there’s…).

A shopping trip is nowadays always eventful and everyone has to do it, in a trip to the supermarket, you’ll see: Ranulph Fiennes in the frozen section making light work of things; George Michael crashing his trolley into other shoppers (and the photo-me booth) and Jedward – what an awful example of a buy one get one free that is…

I suppose the supermarket industry (if it can be classed as an industry, they don’t really make many things – other than a shed load of money) has been put through the ringer recently. A few weeks ago there was the horse-meat scandal and a few days ago it was announced that certain quantities of pig-meat had been found in halal products – I’m not sure if this is true or whether someone has been telling me porkies…

For places that sell food and indeed places where we spend a fair amount of time, supermarkets do tend to look a bit grubby and dated with their tiled floors. The other day when I was in Tesco there was a pile of vomit on aisle 6 that I noticed when I was buying some biscuits… and it was still there 30 minutes later when I went back on that aisle… I told an employee it been there for half an hour… so he knocked 25% off and reduced it £2.99…

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À la horse and carte…

I’d like to apologise after in yesterday’s ‘blog I referred to the 2008 football world cup. One eagle-eyed reader was happy to point out that no such thing existed and world cup years were in 2006 and 2010. Sorry for that slight mistake – it’s almost as though I know nothing about football.

In case anyone was wondering, my claim that Lance Armstrong once tested positive for being an orange was also incorrect. Testing positive for being an orange is very rare, although after he fake tanned too much I think Dale Winton once tested positive for being an orange – or he tested positive for being a fruit at least…

On the subject of unusual foods, I was surprised to see that the supermarkets Tesco and Iceland had been found to be selling beef burgers that contained horse DNA – in response, Tesco said that they didn’t really care as selling food is a fairly minor part of what they do nowadays and Iceland said it was the worst problem they’d had since that volcanic ash-cloud back in 2010.

On top of this, the horse DNA was also found in 2 supermarkets of German origins. A spokesman for one said ‘Aldi-side on an appropriate comment to make once I’ve seen the evidence’ and a spokesman for the other one said that he, ‘was a Lidl bit shocked at hearing the news’ – he certainly seemed to be surprised when he was talking to the camera and his voice was a little hoarse.

The origination of the horse DNA appears to have been from a food processing plant in the Republic of Ireland and is currently under investigation from the Irish police who fortunately have just had some resources freed up – as they’ve just called off their search for Shergar…

The realisation that horsemeat has been found in burgers appears to have caused a fair amount of controversy, but ostensibly eating horsemeat poses no health risk (other than to the horse, obviously) and is considered to be a delicacy in France. That said, what isn’t considered a delicacy in France? I once went to a restaurant in France and ordered the Wild Hair in Thyme-Port Wine Sauce – foolishly I thought the spelling of ‘hair’ was a translation error… how wrong I was…

That said, the Irish Agriculture Minister was swiftly shoved in front of a microphone to make a public announcement where he denounced the act of terrorism caused by a small minority and said that he didn’t want to go back to the old days. He then remembered that he’d recently moved jobs, read his notes and proclaimed that Ireland ‘probably has the best traceability and food safety in the world’. This claim is backed-up by Ireland winning the gold medal in food safety at the 2012 Olympics – I say ‘gold medal’, it was actually 42% gold, 34% brass, 13% tin, 8% mercury and 3% carpet…

For all the jokes (trust me, there’s been lots of horse-related jokes on Twitter); it was quite alarming to see that Tesco were selling a burger that’s meat content was 29% horse… which is a greater horse content percentage than Camilla Parker-Bowles…

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MPFree…

You’d be forgiven if the above title leads you to think that this ‘blog is about further abuses of the expenses system by Members of Parliament (the ‘system’ being that if you own a second home, then you multiply the 5th digit of your phone number by the year you were born, and then you can reclaim that amount of rent annually – or something like that, I’m sure it’s quite as robust as the way I’ve described it there).

Instead this ‘blog is about Amazon’s latest business plan, which is to offer free digital versions of CD’s bought online (presumably the CD’s have to be bought via Amazon through).

The idea of giving albums away for free isn’t anything new – indeed it once propelled Chico from The X Factor’s album up to 85 in the charts.

Amazon to their credit have drawn up a list of 50,000 CD’s that they are offering as part of this service. According to the BBC News website, this includes: Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd; Thriller by Michael Jackson; 21 by Adele and… er… pretty much every other album that has ever been made…

Will this idea take off? I suppose it’s difficult to say, surely the fact that so few people buy CD’s may be a fundamental flaw in their plan? Additionally, you can nowadays just download music instead of physically buying it or indeed stream music instead of having to download it (high technically advanced people can just remember the lyrics to a song and have it running through their mind all day, which saves them even having to bother streaming the song – whilst less technically advanced people still tape songs from the radio using C90’s).

To be honest, I’m not really into modern music and I’ve bought/downloaded/streamed very few albums in recent years. However, I appreciate that many people are keen on modern music and as a result I try to take an interest. For example, I know that a man called Arthur James won The X Factor this year, I know that Susan Boyle is nicknamed ‘Subo’… and I know that Pete Doherty isn’t nicknamed in a similar manner…

I know that Gangnam Style is a partly satirical song poking fun at the people of the wealthy district of South Korea’s capital city and that its singer probably lives there now, given the amount of money he’s earned – if he does, then he’s totally sold his Seoul…

It’s a shame that people buy online and that the young of Britain don’t get involved in that Great British tradition of heading out on a Monday and buying the latest albums to be released from their local music stores – such as Tesco, Asda and Sainsburys…

Indeed, I’m told that there was a time when people used to venture out to so called ‘independent shops’ that sold things called ‘vinyl’. To be honest, I have no idea what a vinyl or an LP is – but I thought I should mention them for the Record…

But for the time being, Amazon is the king of the online retailers for CD’s, DVD’s, books, electronic equipment, video games, software, toys, jewellery and clothes… I even went on there once and ordered a large South American river…

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