Fisher and Jimbo talk International Womens Day, Crufts and the cost of having a pee in a train station.
Fisher and Jimbo talk International Womens Day, Crufts and the cost of having a pee in a train station.
There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received one ‘like’ – which was a bit surprising as:
a) I was under the influence of alcohol when writing it;
b) It was incorrect as the beer duty decrease takes effect on Sunday; and
c) It barely contained any words
…indeed perhaps it’s the fact that I didn’t mention anything that made it so popular?
Anyhow, that’s all for today’s ‘blog.
I’ll be back tomorrow…
Have the ‘likes’ appeared yet?
No? Well I might as well carry on then…
I was a bit surprised that I didn’t get any correspondence from fans of Jim Davidson after my remark about him in yesterday’s ‘blog – but then I remembered that he doesn’t have any fans.
Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog… which is about the weather (again).
I was lining up a bit of a streamlined ‘blog again this evening as I was due to watch a German comedian in Manchester (should the phrase ‘German comedian’ not be too much of a contradiction), but his gig was cancelled due to the poor weather – unless it wasn’t actually cancelled and the whole ‘cancellation’ thing it was just another really bad German joke?
The comedian in question, the highly amusing Henning When (a man whose name gets changed to ‘Henning When’ by the predictive text on my Blackberry), was instead stuck in Belfast airport where he’d been gigging last night (I presume that’s the case, the reason given for cancellation was that there were no fights in and out of Belfast airport – so it’d be a bit of a poor excuse if his gig last night was in Wigan).
The weather also had dire consequences for many other people, with roads being iced over, schools being closed and businesses having to shut for the day. There was also bad luck for any football fans – the England vs San Marino game went ahead as planned…
The game was pretty one-sided though and it really was a case of watching an absolute bunch of useless rank amateurs… playing against San Marino…
The game was in fact that easy for England that they could have played with 10 men – or if you like; they could have picked Emile Heskey…
Anyhow, whilst the weather may be worse than the idea of going for sushi with a member of the KBG… all is not lost for me as the German comedian Henning Wehn will be doing a replacement gig in Manchester… typical German… insisting on having a sequel after the first attempt messes up…
There wasn’t a huge amount of feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, although I was pleased to see that it got two ‘likes’ – which is two more likes than Oscar Pistorius has legs; and is two more likes than there are people who believe Oscar Pistorius is in any way innocent.
No doubt, the truth will come out during his trial. But in the meantime, we should all speculate – no-one really knows what happened; but the more people guess, then the higher the probability that someone will guess exactly what happened. So keep speculating, what harm could it possibly do?
Anyhow, it’s time to move onto today’s topic. Having previously written about the depressed state of the UK retail market and also written about the cold weather, I though I should try something new… and write about the effect of the cold weather on the UK retail market…
Apparently the cold weather has meant that retail sales were down by 0.6% in January 2013 compared to December 2012 – although that could be readily explained by Elton John going on holiday abroad and thus not buying any flowers all month. Those figures were produced by the Office for National Statistics – who then went on to say that 64% of what they produce is a complete load of bollocks, which ironically is one of the few non-bollocks statements that they’ve produced.
The 0.6% decrease is said to have been caused by the heavy snowfall and it comes not too long after the decline in sales due to the hot weather, so perhaps there must be some kind of placid optimal temperature to go shopping indoors?
Notably though, it did say that larger shops were selling more than smaller shops – which is probably because the larger shops are larger than the smaller shops and therefore have more overpriced tat in them for people to buy.
It was also said that food sales slipped although I can’t really imagine that this will be a major problem as in spite of the current economic hardships, it’s unlikely that there would be people who would eventually stop buying food – surely eating a Findus 100% horse lasagne would be preferable to eating nothing at all and even eating a Greggs sausage roll would be better than eating nothing… well maybe not…
Perhaps the main cause of the downturn in retail sales is the gentrification of the High Street, which eviscerates and stifles originality – a bit like the X Factor.
It was also said that 10.1% of retail spending took place online although that excluded fuel, although quite who buys petrol via their computer is beyond me… it would certainly wreak havoc with the PC’s firewall…
Eden Hazard kicks ball boy
The latest football controversy now. Chelsea’s Eden Hazard kicked a ball boy for refusing to give the ball back during Chelsea’s bore draw against Swansea which saw the Swans through to the final of the League Cup.
In all fairness the ball boy did seem to make a bit of a meal of it….the situation that is not the ball, which at the time the ball boy seemed to be actually trying to eat the ball the way he was protecting it. It is a shame that the ball boy who was probably an academy player for Swansea put on this over the top reaction after being tapped in the ribs, what kind of role model is he to the Chelsea and Swansea players on the pitch? Do we want to see our professional footballers looking up to ball boy theatrics and diving tactics? Footballers are not known for diving and being theatrical so we don’t want these so-called ball boys encouraging that.
Hazard and the ball boy apparently met up afterwards to make up but the ball boy threw Hazard back on the pitch. A lot of people are sympathising with the young lad but surely he was made aware of the Hazards involved in being a ball boy?
David Cameron’s speech on Europe
This has been all over the news this week however we were disappointed with the speech. He didn’t even establish which of the 80’s Swedish rock band’s few hits were his favourite? Personally our favourite song is the most popular of their hits “The Final Countdown” but he didn’t even mention this once. Is this the kind of person we want leading the country? At least, Ed Miliband would have told us about his favourite songs even if it wasn’t Europe. Apparently he likes the Dave Miller Band
The National TV Awards
It was the National TV Awards this week. TV has changed so much over the years so competition to win these awards must be a lot tougher especially with multi-channels, on demand and online television. In fact we noticed that midway through the NTA’s just as they were about the announce the winner for best dramatic performance, we spotted host Dermot O’Leary get out his tv remote and pause the whole thing while he nipped off to the toilet. We were actually a little disappointed that London Mayor Boris Johnson wasn’t nominated for best dramatic performance after his performance on the zip wire during the London Olympics. We would have also liked to have seen Lance Armstrong for best actor, lets face it, 7 years he kept it up for. The Great British Bake Off also lost out to Paul O’Grady’s For The Love of Dogs which took the award for Best Factual Entertainment programme. This gave us an idea, why not merge these two popular tv shows creating a homeless dog cookery programme? They could call it…The Great British Bark Off?
Build a snowman to prevent floods
This strange government directive has been in the news this week. Following the heavy snow across the UK over the past week or so the government are growing worried about the big thaw then leading the floods. So an environment agency spokesman has apparently advised that if we all build snowmen it could help reduce the risk. This is all well and good but wouldn’t this then result in a carrot shortage and an increase in flu and pneumonia due to the lack of scalfs and woolly hats. Despite this we followed the advice and built a snowman which has now amazingly and very kindly blocked up the bottom of our back and front doors with sandbags. It’s has also cleared our guttering and the drains outside the house. So it could well be true, Snowman can prevent flooding.
There’s not much in the news today other that Paul Weller (I think that’s what they said on the news, although they might have said ‘poor weather’).
All I managed to see on the news today were a load of weather presenters standing ankle-deep in snow in sub-zero temperatures just to show us what snow looks like. No doubt it irritates them more when it’s baking hot sunshine and they have to stand indoors in their suits and it makes you wonder why these great forecasters never spotted that this would happen in their career.
I suppose with all the fuss and chaos that has been caused it is easy to forget that is all because of a bit of snow, 2 atoms of hydrogen covenantly bonded to an atom of oxygen that grinds the entire country to a halt and dominates every rolling channel news.
The editor of the BBC News Channel finally said enough was enough today and he started playing clips from Barrack Obama’s Presidential Inauguration – I mean, that happened about 4 years ago for God’s sake! He must have been desperate if he put a re-run of that on the news…
One story that did catch my eye today was Prince Harry claiming that he shot at a weekly music magazine whist he was in Afghanistan – I then listened to the story again on the radio and it turned out that he shot at an enemy, not an NME (things confused me even further in terms of this story when the news reporter also talked about Harry using a ‘full magazine’ of bullets).
To be fair, the news story could have had the headline, ‘Soldier Does Things That Soldiers Do’ (or ‘I’m Really Sorry, But We’re Reporting This Even Though It Isn’t Anything To Do With The Snow’) and I suppose that it’s reassuring to see that Prince Harry is just a normal soldier and fitting in seamlessly with rest of the armed forces – although apparently getting him to keep his clothes on is said to be difficult.
Whilst Prince Harry not having any clothes on is one thing, apparently on his first day he was told to go and put his uniform on and all hell broke loose as he got confused and put his, ‘fancy dress’ military uniform on…
The exact reason for his posting to Afghanistan is slightly unknown, although it’s thought that he was only there in the first place to appear as a special guest on Ross Kemp’s next show. (Apparently Kemp’s will also be doing a new show in 2013 about his change of career where he’s going to start working as a film critic; his first assignment is to review a Leonardo Di Caprio film from the early 2000’s – it’s called Ross Kemp on Gangs… of New York…).
Additionally though, the army were forced to make special adjustments because Harry was there. One tank was modified specifically for Harry being there – it didn’t have any special armour or anything, they just had to fill it with suncream and then dispense it out of the turret to save Harry from burning more than an American flag on the streets of Syria.
Nonetheless, the mature way he’s managed to handle things has drawn many comments, The Queen said he was doing a great job; The Duke of Edinburgh said he was a credit to the country, but it was a shame he hadn’t injured more foreigners; his Dad said that he was incredibly proud of him… and Prince Charles also said a few words…
The second half of Lance Armstrong’s interview with Oprah aired last night and… er… he still admits to being a cheat. The airing of the second interview served about as useful and served as much purpose as Right Said Fred’s comb.
Whilst Armstrong continues to hit the headlines. He’s currently being pushed out of them by the snowfall that has engulfed the UK. Whilst the snowfall is about as heavy as Karen Carpenter (inappropriate?), we still seem to be making a fuss about it.
Many lazy writers seem to be obsessed with writing about the ostensibly dull and vacuous subject of cold weather – so that’s exactly what I’m going to do…
Whenever we get a bit of snow, we need to PPPAAAAAAANNIIIIIIICCCCCCC!!! Despite the temperature being minus 3 (which is the same as the number of friends that Nick Clegg has) the snow hasn’t really been that catastrophic, which is partly because the snowfall was as shallow (a bit like Katie Price) but nonetheless, the ground was covered in white stuff (if you want to say ‘a bit like Katie Price’ then you can, I won’t force you).
I went out today and did some panic buying and bought the usual sat of pointless stuff that I’ll never use – I even purchased some horse burgers, random or what! That said, just in case supplies ran dry, I panic bought quite a few pints of beer form my local pub – I’m not taking my chances.
Mobility is difficult in such weather and I remember a few years ago I had to ring my boss and tell him that the snow was too bad for me to drive and therefore I couldn’t work that day – I was sacked from my job as a gritting lorry driving the next day.
As I get older, the snow and bad weather annoys me more than the 2012 Olympics (it was meant to be terrible, but turned out to be brilliant – what a let down! In the end, the Olympics made me proud to be British – Mitt Romney also has the same effect…).
The idea now of building a snowman carries little appeal, although I did build one in the shape of a TV presenter obsessed with the swingometer and I called it Peter Snow-man.
In a similar vein, I hate going outdoors in weather that is colder than George Osborne’s heart as the icy conditions mean that the pavements are slippier than Jimmy Carr’s accountant and the roads are covered in black ice – which apparently is John Terry’s least favourite type of ice (because it’s dangerous, obviously).
My attitude towards snow and extremes of weather is quite simple and, without wanting to sound like Catherine Tate (or the CEO of Starbucks when asked about paying tax), I’m really not bothered about it. There’s some bad news for any children who are 2 feet tall through… there’s 3 feet of snow on the way tomorrow…