Tag Archives: retail

WOWS Podcast Ep.38 We Itched Our Beards While Thinking of This Title

Jimbo & Fisher discuss beards for Decembeard, moan about trains and talk about farting darts players.

Did you know you are 63% more likely to win a staring competition if you have a beard?



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It depends on weather or not it has snowed…

There wasn’t a huge amount of feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, although I was pleased to see that it got two ‘likes’ – which is two more likes than Oscar Pistorius has legs; and is two more likes than there are people who believe Oscar Pistorius is in any way innocent.

No doubt, the truth will come out during his trial. But in the meantime, we should all speculate – no-one really knows what happened; but the more people guess, then the higher the probability that someone will guess exactly what happened. So keep speculating, what harm could it possibly do?

Anyhow, it’s time to move onto today’s topic. Having previously written about the depressed state of the UK retail market and also written about the cold weather, I though I should try something new… and write about the effect of the cold weather on the UK retail market…

Apparently the cold weather has meant that retail sales were down by 0.6% in January 2013 compared to December 2012 – although that could be readily explained by Elton John going on holiday abroad and thus not buying any flowers all month. Those figures were produced by the Office for National Statistics – who then went on to say that 64% of what they produce is a complete load of bollocks, which ironically is one of the few non-bollocks statements that they’ve produced.

The 0.6% decrease is said to have been caused by the heavy snowfall and it comes not too long after the decline in sales due to the hot weather, so perhaps there must be some kind of placid optimal temperature to go shopping indoors?

Notably though, it did say that larger shops were selling more than smaller shops – which is probably because the larger shops are larger than the smaller shops and therefore have more overpriced tat in them for people to buy.

It was also said that food sales slipped although I can’t really imagine that this will be a major problem as in spite of the current economic hardships, it’s unlikely that there would be people who would eventually stop buying food – surely eating a Findus 100% horse lasagne would be preferable to eating nothing at all and even eating a Greggs sausage roll would be better than eating nothing… well maybe not…

Perhaps the main cause of the downturn in retail sales is the gentrification of the High Street, which eviscerates and stifles originality – a bit like the X Factor.

It was also said that 10.1% of retail spending took place online although that excluded fuel, although quite who buys petrol via their computer is beyond me… it would certainly wreak havoc with the PC’s firewall…

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This week myself (Jimbo) and Fisher have been tweeting about shops, here are a few things we had to say. All views are our own.

Thorntons – a chocolate shop until it melted during summer

Miss Selfridge – once duped someone into buying a fridge

Carphone Warehouse – sells phones shaped like cars

Comet – has a large tail of dust coming off the side of every store

Big Man Shop – sells clothes to fat men without having an awkward shop name to say that they sell clothes to fat men

WH Smiths: is a stationery shop so it has never moved once

Game – there’s no sign of any Pheasant or Venison in there

GAP – this shop sells________ at a reasonable price

Pets at Home – I took my dog there, he felt very much at home and chewed the furniture


PC World – they ensure that there is no sexism, racism or homophobia in their stores

GT News – a paper shop until it blew away in the wind

B&Q – if you’re rude towards people in there, you’re told to mind your B&Q’s

He Runs She Runs – straight out when they see the prices

Tesco – is Lord Sebastian Coe’s sister

Poundstretcher – worth pointing out you shouldn’t vandalise a pound coin as it has the queens face on it

Bank – ran into financially difficulty, so it received a huge bailout and is now 74% owned by the taxpayer

Marks & Spencer’s – this isn’t just any tweet this is an M&S tweet

House of Fraser: Niles Crane was said to be furious about the naming of this store

Early Learning Centre – never been able to buy anything from there as they only accept plastic coins

Poundland: would be screwed if we ever adopted the Euro

All Saints – a clothes shop that you can buy Mother Theresa, Santa Claus and Pope costumes from.

JD Sports – include pub golf and beer pong (but with Jack Daniels, obviously)

Boots – they sell pretty much everything apart from boots!?

Currys – started out by selling chicken tikka masala and naan breads

IKEA – if you want to go in this shop you have to assemble it first

Land of Leather – is the name of the island inhabited by David Dickinson and Judith Chalmers

For more Tweets like this follow @JimboStudios and @CFishTank for more Tweets Nowt On TV every Sunday night.

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