Tag Archives: piers morgan

WOWS Podcast Ep.39 The Episode That Hates Christmas

This episode is dedicated to people who hate Christmas. Jimbo hosts an anti Christmas quiz and Fisher does a feature about skyscrapers which is not Christmassy in the sightest, apart from the Christmas jumper he is wearing.

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There’s nothing to see here Guv…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’ – which has made it about as popular as student at Oxford University who was previously educated at Brixton Comprehensive and then Lambeth College… or indeed, about as popular as student at Oxford University who was previously educated at Cambridge University. 

 

I was a bit surprised that I didn’t get any correspondence from people moaning about the cold weather – although I’m guessing that no-one was able to send me messages because it had snowed a bit (and in any event, the majority of everyone’s time was been taken up Tweeting and updating Facebook status to say that it was snowing).

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which was going to be about England’s shock eight-nil win last night against San Marino, but then as I was about to start writing the ‘blog, it was announced that Boris Berezovsky had been found dead – this also coincides with the tragic news that Piers Morgan is alive and well…  

 

But who exactly is Boris Berezovsky? Well, I don’t really know – although I can confirm that it’s far easier to spell his first name than it is to spell his surname.  

 

He’s also a Russian billionaire (which on the scale of ‘being a shady character’ ranks around the same area as a mobile phones salesman based in the Middle East) and he had a massive falling out with Vladimir Putin… and he’s now dead… and unsurprisingly there’s been new research revealed today which has shows that bears like to defecate in the woods…

 

Do I want to state on a public ‘blog that I believe that the circumstances surrounding the death of an enemy of the Russian state is in any way suspicious? 

 

No. 

 

Because it wasn’t suspicious, clearly. 

 

Obviously it was the case than a man who had survived previous assassination attempts died whilst having a bath (there were suspicions that Berezovsky had been taking drugs – although tests show that he was clean…).

 

Another recent controversy involving Berezovsky was his bitter legal battle with Roman Abramovich… Berezovsky claimed that Abramovich forced him to sell some shares at a ridiculously low value… Abramovich then came back with many claims against Berezovsky… these were refuted strongly by Berezovsky who claimed the allegations were disgusting and insulting… particularly the suggestion that Berezovsky has been lined up as the next Chelsea manager…

 

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Take a look at me now…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog (there were no ‘likes’). Indeed, it’s hardly a surprise given that the format of the ‘blog totally messed up and looked as fundamentally wrong as the idea of George Michael teaching a course in how to drive safely – it was also the silliest format of something I’ve seen since the 2001 Wimbledon tennis tournament started with the final on day 1 and then worked backwards to the first round… although at least it meant Tim Henman got through to the second week for a change…

 

I was a bit surprised to see that no police officers contacted me to complain – although I think that a fair amount of them were a bit busy passing top secret information to News International or carelessly shooting Brazilians wearing bomber jackets (not that kind of bomber…).

 

Anyhow, it’s time stop talking about guns and move onto today’s ‘blog, which is about guns. Specifically, it’s about guns in America and their views on gun control. One big anti-gun campaigners is the demi-god that is Piers Morgan… sorry, I meant ‘the dickhead that is Piers Morgan’. To be fair to him, and I’ll happily say it, I agree with Piers Morgan on this point – even though I wouldn’t be that adverse to someone shooting Piers Morgan.

 

After numerous recent gun-related atrocities in American schools, the state of South Dakota have announced that they will allow teachers (and other people who work in schools) to carry guns with them if they want, the idea is that by giving people guns it will make things safer. That’s a great plan, could there possibly be a better way to prevent schoolchildren getting shot than putting guns into schools?

 

Yes. Yes there could… and it would involving not bringing in laws that actively encouraged people taking guns into school. Such a viewpoint is about as logical as getting a tax avoider like Philip Green to head up a Government review it getting people to pay tax… oh no wait, that actually happened…

 

I suppose the preferred method should just be to give all the schoolchildren guns as well. Then that way they could adopt a star wars approach and everyone would be safe as all the people had the same weaponry and therefore everything would be fine – that would work surely?

 

Clearly it wouldn’t and I was watching a staunch advocate of gun use was on the news giving a speech the other day about allowing every man and woman in American access to a gun… he was also wearing a pretty horrible vest with no shirt and jumper… it all looked a bit inappropriate and vests like that should be banned… although the American constitution does give the right for him to bear his arms…

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Laughing all the way to the Banksy…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, indeed it got no ‘likes’ which made it about as popular as a man who hates rugby union in Wales (by the way, if you’re French; just a quick one to say hard lines on losing all your matches in the Six Nations so far).

Apparently George Osborne would have got in touch with me to lodge an official complaint towards the ‘blog, but he was said to be struggling to spell ‘AAA’. In any event, he was also trying to go back and destroy every bit of videotape which contained footage of him harping on about how important it is to retain our AAA credit rating.

Anyhow, it’s time to move onto today’s topic, which is about a bank called Manny… sorry, that’s wrong… it’s about a man called Banksy.

He’s a street artist who puts graffiti on walls, but he does it really well so apparently that’s alright. Somehow, I can’t imagine a burglar would get off from going to prison on the basis that he did a bit of vacuuming and dusting before he nicked your television and laptop (which isn’t quite what people mean when they’ve been burgled and say they’ve been ‘cleaned out’).

Banky’s mural named ‘slave labour’ was taken down from its home next to a Poundland (talking about slave labour, is it true that they only pay their employees £1 an hour or something?) and it then appeared for sale at an auction house in Miami with an anticipated sale price of £450,000 – which would probably buy the seller around 450,000 items from the Poundland store…

Talking about money though, the artist in question would be the expert as I’m sure that I heard recently that he and his family were in such financial difficulties that the Government had to come in and bail the Banksy’s out…

Anyhow, I suppose it’s slightly amusing that the mural free for everyone to see of a child labourer making some union jack bunting and effectively poking fun at capitalism was then attempted to be sold at auction by a quick-thinking American trying to make an enormous profit with virtually no work.

I’s guess that the great appeal about Banksy and the thought-provoking undertones of his work is that his identity is totally unknown… and it’s a real shame that Piers Morgan hasn’t thought about taking a similar approach to life…

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WOWS Podcast Ep3

The WOWS Podcast episode 3 is here and Jimbo and Fisher are so proud that they are thinking of doing a best bits episode. Jimbo & Fisher deal with listener complaints about the lack of drama and chart features. They also discuss Oscar Pistorius, a near miss Asteroid and the Pope. Enjoy and please leave your comments if you’d like a mention in the next podcast.

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Shrove Wednesday…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog; but that said, there wasn’t much of a ‘blog either. If anything, I’d expect that a ‘blog which is streamlined more than Sir Chris Hoy in a windtunnel would be more popular than a long winded ‘blog where I drift off on a tangent and make up a load of rubbish – by the way, talking about ‘tangents’, isn’t that how you’d describe David Dickinson and Dale Winton?

Anyhow, yesterday was Shrove Tuesday and it’s a tradition that many people give something up for Lent, which commences on Ash Wednesday (which is today, or yesterday if you’re reading this ‘blog tomorrow). Personally, I’ve decided to give up pancakes for lent.

It’s quite common for me to over indulge on Shrove Tuesday, I often eat so much that my internal organs start hurting. Bizarrely, the main organ that ends up in pain in my pancreas – it hurts so bad, that I think they should stop calling this particular day Shrove Tuesday and they should instead call is Panc-ache Day, but I don’t think anyone will start calling it that…

I’ll be honest, that last pun was terrible, absolutely crepe in fact – I’ll try to think of a few batter pancake related jokes to tell, but I’m cautious that I’ll end up sounding like I’m flipping stupid…

Quite why pancakes appeal to people on Shrove Tuesday is beyond me, if they’re that nice then wouldn’t we have them regularly throughout the year? Perhaps the whole thing is a marketing ploy by pancake manufactures (by that I mean Pancake Day, not the whole thing about lent lasting until Maundy Thursday which is the day before Jesus died – if pancake manufactures did make that up about Jesus being resurrected, then I’ll have to doth my cap to them as it’s probably the best work of fiction since reading Chris Huhne’s statement to the Police on his whereabouts when his wife was alleged to be speeding).

A large part of the tradition of making pancakes is the question of which filling people have in their pancakes, personally I have the combination of syrup (which is as golden as one of Jessica Ennis’ medals and just as sweet as she is as well) and lemon juice (which is as bitter as Andrew Ridgley when he picks up a copy of George Michael’s greatest solo hits album). Although if that doesn’t interest you, then the Tesco are doing their own black treacle and black beauty pancakes as well…

There’s also many traditions that occur on Shrove Tuesday, in particular some towns have special races where people race along whilst flipping a pancake and they have to get to the finish line without dropping the pancake. One of the best exponents of this was Piers Morgan… who won the packcake-flip race in his home town of Guildford every year between 1984 to 2003 (except from 1991, when he couldn’t compete because he unfortunately got his head stuck up his own arse on the morning of the race)… still 19 victories in 20 years is very impressive… what a tosser…

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Education, Education, Use a thesaurus you lazy sod…

Apparently yesterday’s ‘blog post got 4 ‘likes’. I don’t really know what this means, but nonetheless, it’s more than we’ve ever had before and the WOWS ‘blog needs to covert the remaining 6,999,999,996 of the world’s population of 7billion to capture domination of the entire planet.

Unfortunately, the chance of that happening at the moment are about as likely as the shelf on Tim Henman’s trophy cabinet buckling under the weight of its contents (he put’s his Argos catalogue on the bookshelf nowadays).

It has been suggested that some people found this ‘blog after I was rude about Piers Morgan yesterday. However I’m not going to be rude towards Piers Morgan again as I don’t think he deserves the oxygen of publicity – after all, it’s debatable as to whether he deserves oxygen.

Anyhow, today Michael Gove announced plans to do something with A Levels, but I’m not exactly sure what he’s proposed as I didn’t bother to read the story in full – I saw that some head teachers had said that the plans were incoherent, so I didn’t think I’d be able to understand them given that they don’t make sense to head teachers (who are hopefully more knowledgeable and clued-in than me).

Gove’s plans appear to be tailored towards ensuring students get a deep understanding of a subject before they forget it all after they take their exam (I’m hoping I’m not they only one that this happens to?).

As I say, the plans have been attacked by a number of parties and it’s even said that the it will make it harder for students from less able backgrounds to get into Oxbridge Universities. I’ll be honest, I’m not the most able student in the world – to such an extent that I don’t even know where Oxbridge is!

I’m not really sure why Michael Gove believes he’s qualified to impose his views on education onto the rest of the country (save for the fact that the Education Secretary, obviously), given that he was educated at Eton College surely he doesn’t have a full grasp of the education system? By the way, I heard the other day that Eton College is meant to be merging with the illustrious Wellington School to make a half Eton Beef Wellington; does anyone know if that’s true?

So whilst Gove’s plans appear to be getting a grade D, it will be interesting to see whether the plans will facilitate either an increase in vocational courses (so young people can be highly skilled at doing professions, even though there aren’t any jobs available) or will try to stretch and further develop the most talented (not that Gove would spot such people, given that he hangs around with politicians).

It’s hard to know exactly what these plans will achieve and I’d have dearly loved to have been more successful in my A Levels where I failed geography because I could never find the classroom, failed history (but fortunately I’ve put it behind me) and failed religious studies (God help me)… I also failed drama… although I didn’t make a song and dance about it…

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