Candles – the number of these you have on your cake depends on your age which is why Bruce Forsyth is a fire hazard
Balloon Artist – I once worked as one of these, I wasn’t very good at making dogs but my snake was brilliant
Bouncy Castle – I asked for one of these for my bday party, my dad said we couldn’t afford it, he blamed inflation
Clown – my dad once hired one for my party. Paul Gascoigne slumped on a chair drunk didn’t impress the other parents
Laser Quest – I once had my birthday here. It was the same birthday I also gained perfect eyesight
Magician – I saw a magician at a kids birthday party, he made four kids vanish. He hasn’t escaped prison yet though
Sleepover – this is John Terry’s favourite type of Birthday party, especially when it’s Wayne Bridges birthday
Birthday Cake – my 10th party was bad no one turned up & then mum forgot icing sugar, it was the icing on the cake
Paper Plates – I once tried to beat the world record for most damaged paper plate…I couldn’t smash it
Pass the Parcel – I used to play this when I worked at the Post Office, I didn’t work there very long
Audio Cards – I got a bday card voiced by George Osbourne this year. It said “sorry but I’ve taken the tenner out”
Fisher – (@CFishTank)
Playing dead fishes – involves remaining very still – the England team’s defence are fine exponents of dead fishes…
Going to the bowling alley – I did this one birthday and saw a friend working there – he was doing some ten-pin work
Playing 5-a-side in a gymnasium – Piers Morgan tried to do this for his 40th birthday – but he didn’t have 9 friends
Being sent a telegram from the Queen – she’s currently 86, so in 14 years she may have to send one to herself. Loser.
Clowns – I saw one with a pale and gaunt face that scared children… but it turned out to be Pete Doherty.
Punch and Judy – was once combined with Chinese whispers – as a result, Richard and Judy were punched.
Stealing some gift paper – someone claimed I did this, but I was covering for someone else – they took the wrap.
Pin the tail on the Donkey – has been superseded by a similar themed game called ‘Pin the Ponytail on Andy Carroll’
A juggler – hired for a party who going through puberty: was terrible – as his balls dropped mid-performance
Birthday Cards – I was given 52 playing cards one year – I’m not sure which Joker sent them to me
Candles on your cake – Eamonn Holmes puts one cake for every year of his life on top of his birthday candle
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