Tag Archives: horses

And they’re off…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’, which made it about as popular a man who has eaten a load of baked bean and has slightly misunderstood the meaning of being in the wind section of an orchestra. I did however get a comment on an old ‘blog which I think was a fake comment by a ‘bot – the fact the ‘blog was described as well written and entertaining was a bit of a giveaway. 

 

I was a bit surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t get any correspondence from either the Chancellor George Osborne or the Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls – although they apparently both wanted to get in touch with me, but insisted that they couldn’t possibly agree on something, so they’re currently arguing with each other as to who will write to me. 

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move away from unethical politicians and move onto something a bit more upstanding: horse racing.

 

There was a popular and well known race on today and I backed Doris, Ethel and Peggy to be in the top three in today’s Gran National…

 

Although I’m told that the race actually involved 39 horses and apparently there was 1 seabass involved, who was a hotly tipped favourite – although it ultimately floundered.  

 

I believe that seabass was also ridden by Katie Walsh, who was riding in the National with Ruby Walsh – which made it the first time that two sisters were riding in the Grand National. 

 

There were a few interesting names in the race, with my chosen horses being called Hung Like a Human, Government’s Stance on Benefits (that one was blinkered) and Oscar Pistorius Following the Theft of His Legs (that was a non-runner). 

 

My own personal success in the National was limited as I backed one horse to win at 15 to 1 – but he was bloody useless and he couldn’t answer any of William G Stewart’s questions (that’s a pretty tenuous link, but hopefully fans of old Channel 4 daytime quiz shows will find that joke one amusing).  

 

This year’s race was a bit unusual in respect that it was televised on Channel 4 instead of the BBC much to many people’s annoyance. You know, Channel 4? It’s that TV channel that always puts the boring horse racing on a Saturday afternoon…

 

There wasn’t much to write home about in the race, but it was won by 66-1 outsider Auroras Encore and once Encore finished, all the racegoers cheered and chanted his name – so he came back out and ran the race again…

 

In all honesty though… the race appears to have been a success as no horses have been put down… last year’s race saw two horses being put down and some cheeky so and so tried to sell one of them to me… I told him that he was flogging a dead horse… fortunately he managed to sell it to Tesco though…

 

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À la horse and carte…

I’d like to apologise after in yesterday’s ‘blog I referred to the 2008 football world cup. One eagle-eyed reader was happy to point out that no such thing existed and world cup years were in 2006 and 2010. Sorry for that slight mistake – it’s almost as though I know nothing about football.

In case anyone was wondering, my claim that Lance Armstrong once tested positive for being an orange was also incorrect. Testing positive for being an orange is very rare, although after he fake tanned too much I think Dale Winton once tested positive for being an orange – or he tested positive for being a fruit at least…

On the subject of unusual foods, I was surprised to see that the supermarkets Tesco and Iceland had been found to be selling beef burgers that contained horse DNA – in response, Tesco said that they didn’t really care as selling food is a fairly minor part of what they do nowadays and Iceland said it was the worst problem they’d had since that volcanic ash-cloud back in 2010.

On top of this, the horse DNA was also found in 2 supermarkets of German origins. A spokesman for one said ‘Aldi-side on an appropriate comment to make once I’ve seen the evidence’ and a spokesman for the other one said that he, ‘was a Lidl bit shocked at hearing the news’ – he certainly seemed to be surprised when he was talking to the camera and his voice was a little hoarse.

The origination of the horse DNA appears to have been from a food processing plant in the Republic of Ireland and is currently under investigation from the Irish police who fortunately have just had some resources freed up – as they’ve just called off their search for Shergar…

The realisation that horsemeat has been found in burgers appears to have caused a fair amount of controversy, but ostensibly eating horsemeat poses no health risk (other than to the horse, obviously) and is considered to be a delicacy in France. That said, what isn’t considered a delicacy in France? I once went to a restaurant in France and ordered the Wild Hair in Thyme-Port Wine Sauce – foolishly I thought the spelling of ‘hair’ was a translation error… how wrong I was…

That said, the Irish Agriculture Minister was swiftly shoved in front of a microphone to make a public announcement where he denounced the act of terrorism caused by a small minority and said that he didn’t want to go back to the old days. He then remembered that he’d recently moved jobs, read his notes and proclaimed that Ireland ‘probably has the best traceability and food safety in the world’. This claim is backed-up by Ireland winning the gold medal in food safety at the 2012 Olympics – I say ‘gold medal’, it was actually 42% gold, 34% brass, 13% tin, 8% mercury and 3% carpet…

For all the jokes (trust me, there’s been lots of horse-related jokes on Twitter); it was quite alarming to see that Tesco were selling a burger that’s meat content was 29% horse… which is a greater horse content percentage than Camilla Parker-Bowles…

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