Tag Archives: george osborne

What a Balls up…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’, which made it about as popular Phillip Schofield at an event for people who have jet-black hair. My ‘blog from a few weeks ago regarding the England vs New Zealand cricket series did bizarrely get a ‘like’ yesterday, which meant that ‘blog now has one like – making it about as interesting and popular as cricket itself.

 

I was a bit surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t get any correspondence from any of the Manchester City players, although apparently Carlos Tevez hurt his finger whilst sending me an email and consequently collapsed on the floor holding his head. After rolling around for a few minutes, the physio then gave him treatment and told him that he’d be out for 6 weeks as he had a hairline fracture on his index finger – so presumably he has really hairy hands or something…

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move away from football players and their driving offences and instead I’m going to talk about Politicians and… erm… their driving offences.

 

George Osborne’s ministerial car was pictured yesterday parked in a disabled bay, in spite of George Osborne not being disabled (well, not physically anyway). It’s pretty easy to criticise George Osborne (very easy in fact), however he can’t really be blamed for where a car carrying him is parked – after all, it would have parked in a pay and display bay, were it not for the fact that his driver doesn’t have any money thanks to the austerity measures put in place by our Chancellor (apparently he eats badgers as well – you might have to listen to the WOWS podcast to understand that reference).

 

He’s not the only one though, as Ed Balls (Balls *snigger*) revealed that he recently attended a Speed Awareness course after he was clocked at driving at 56 miles per hour on the motorway – f*cking hooligan, who the hell does he think he is driving at 56 on the motorway?

 

Obviously Ed Balls (whose name sounds like what Wayne Rooney does for a living) passed his Speed Awareness with aplomb: he identified that Speed 1 was the one where they were on the bus and Speed 2 took place on the cruise ship. 

 

Balls then moved around the room during the course and sat opposite numerous woman and told them the Speed 1 was released in 1994 and Speed 2 was released in 1997 – the woman were said to be very impressed with his Speed dating technique…

 

To be fair to Balls, he did fall foul of the fact that the stretch of the motorway where the offence took place had a reduced speed limit of 50 miles per hour… and he is now also campaigning to reduce the speed limit on certain roads in his West Yorkshire constituency to 20 miles per hour… as that way he’ll give himself a greater opportunity of breaking the speed limit again…

 

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Taking its toll…

There was moderate feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received one ‘like’, which made it about as popular as a ‘1 for the price of 2 offer’ at Tesco.

 

I was a bit surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t lead to me receiving any correspondence from Paolo Di Canio after my mentions of his links to racism and fascism; although apparently he is a bit too busy assessing the situation at Sunderland – first up he’s keen to sign John Terry and Luis Suarez on loan…

 

I also thank the person who advised me that David Miliband was beginning to come under scrutiny for not giving up his seat on The Board at Sunderland which involved him working with Sunderland for 15 days a year and paid him £125,000 (plus a Sunderland season ticket for one adult – which values his remuneration package at around £125,004 per year).

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which is about the plans to put a massive uncultured grunting beast by the side of the road which runs from London to the South of Wales – it’s called the M4 troll road…

 

Hang on. 

 

Apparently it’s called the M4 toll road, so they’re going to charge people to drive on a road that’s been built by the taxpayer (that’s as well as paying fuel duty and car tax – but the fact that you pay car tax and pay duty when you put fule in your car doesn’t mean that you can drive your car on any road, you cheeky little f*cker).

 

However, George Osborne is keen to build an M4 relief road to invest as part of his plan in commencing infrastructure projects and he said today that he wants to avoid a triple dip recession – so I presume that means that he’s trying to get the UK economy into a quadruple dip recession.

 

There seems to be little point to the M4 toll road (other than the fact that it’s the quickest way to get out of Wales… actually, scrap that – there’s a very good reason to require a toll road around the M4). 

 

I suppose the main reluctance of the Welsh Government to adopt the proposed new transport links as a toll road is because the drivers in Wales also have to pay for the Severn river crossings when they’re on the M4 – I mean, I know that you have to cross that big estuary to get into Wales, but I didn’t realise you had to cross six other bridges on the way there.

 

The main bridge that drivers have to use on the M4 is the Second Severn Crossing… which measures about 5 kilometres in length… and costs £6.20 to drive along in a car… I wouldn’t pay that to get into Wales…

 

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Something or other…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, there were no ‘likes’ – which made the ‘blog about as popular as Stringfellow’s lapdancing club on an evening when all the dancers have gone on strike and the owner has had to step in to perform the duties…

 

Fortunately there isn’t a dislike button on WordPress, which means that I didn’t get much in the way of abuse from Christians (by that, I mean the followers of Christianity, not just general people who are called Christian). I was a bit surprised that I didn’t get any correspondence from fans of the apostles Peter and Paul after I criticised their ability to cater yesterday – I’m also advised that Peter was a thief and Paul wore a wig, hence them being known as “Robbin’ Peter, toupée Paul”…  

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move onto today’s ‘blog which is on the subject of whatever’s happening in the news, although unfortunately not much has happened today and there’s more action in an episode of The Archers. 

 

I’m not sure why nothing has happened, although I don’t even know what day it is today, other than I know that it’s the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday – I know it’s a Saturday, but I’m not sure if there’s a special name for it. 

 

To add even more confusion to things, we’re also about to put the clocks back an hour tonight, or forward – I’m not sure which. In any event, putting them forward isn’t really very special given that they go forward anyway. 

 

Hang on. 

 

It turns out that they are going forward…

 

That means that we’ve got a shorter weekend than normal… oh, no… actually… there’s two bank holidays sandwiched on either side of the weekend… so that means that by reducing an hour, we gain two extra days… and I’d highly recommend that you spend one of them listening to the WasteOfWebSpace podcast episode 5 which we recorded today…

 

The podcast contains reference to The Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne eating badger… like all good podcasts do surely… what a rubbish day for news…

 

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Erm… er… well…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’ – which has made it about as popular as Jim Davidson’s bookings agent.  

 

I was a bit surprised that I didn’t get any correspondence from George Osborne – although I’m told that after his declaration that his budget was ‘tough, but the right one for Britain’, I’m told that he’s now busy preparing for his new job – were he’s going to work as a professional turd polisher… 

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog… which will be highly streamlined as I’ve been out and had quite a few drinks… it’s the least I could do given that beer is now 1 pence a pint cheaper… 

I’ll be back tomorrow…

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By George, he hasn’t got it…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received one ‘like’ – which has made this week a pretty popular one for the WOWS ‘Blog, albeit we’ve still had about more activity as the Syrian Tourist Board (note, people going there to sell weapons aren’t tourists).  

 

I was a bit surprised that I didn’t get any correspondence from any fans of Mr Bean – although I’m told that they’ve decided to stay silent… 

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which is about George Osborne and what a fine and honourable man he is. 

 

Sorry… I was getting confused there between George Osborne and Stephen Fry…

 

I don’t know much about George Osborne, although I know that he’s a keen fan of domesticated birds – hence his budgie being in the news a lot today or something…

 

It’s fair to say the George Osborne is a dreadful Chancellor and he’s also a bit weird as he used be married to piece from the board game draughts – hence him being called the Chancellor of the ex-chequer…

 

Hang on…

 

In today’s budget, he reduced the duty on a pint of beer by 1p! Whey! Osborne, you absolute LAD! (We’ll gloss over the fact that beer duty has risen over 40% since 2008). 

 

In all honesty, this will have no affect on any member of the public (least of all Osborne as he doesn’t know what a pint of beer is, although he thinks his butler may occasionally drink some of them) as the decrease in duty won’t be passed on to consumers – and even if it was I can’t imagine the 1p reduction in duty would be the turing point between having 6 pints one evening instead of 5 pints.  

 

If we take £3 as the average price of a pint of beer, with a 1p price reduction then you’d have to drink 300 pints before effectively getting a free one and drinking 300 pints isn’t easy – although Freddie Flintoff has offered to give it a go (he’s planning on starting tomorrow morning and he’s hoping to finish… erm… tomorrow morning…).

 

There were a few other points in the budget… for example the Corporation Tax rate is now 20% for all companies… except Starbucks… who’ve decided that they would rather continue paying nothing…

 

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Boldly going… home…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, although I did get one ‘like’ – which made it more popular that Chris Huhne at a family dinner and as successful as Peter Andre’s 19th relaunch of his music career.

Perhaps the reason there was a lack of feedback was because the majority of people had nipped out to try and create a bit of street art. I’ve got to admit, I’m in total awe of artists and their ability to depict scenery. Although apparently many artists have stigmatisms in their eyes and should wear glasses – Van Gogh is one such artist who should have worn glasses, but he couldn’t wear them because he only had one ear…

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog which is being written in a relatively cold temperature. Not that I’ve put my heating on mind you, I’ve stuck an extra jumper on… and second pair of trousers… and a deerstalker hat… and thermal socks… and a ski jacket… and a scarf… and a gloves… but not a vest – I’m not a wuss!

Whilst I’m doing that, Sir Ranulph Fiennes has been busy preparing to trek 2,000 miles across the Antarctic during its winter – although I’d suspect even if they attempted it during the summer in Antarctica, then it still wouldn’t be what you’d describe as ‘shorts weather’.

During the ‘warm-up’ (surely an inappropriate way to describe the preparation for an Antarctic expedition?) he took his glove off and contracted frostbite – which surprised me as I didn’t realise that there was anything left of him that could contract frostbite given that he has less fingers than a cannibals’ buffet (that is what they mean by a ‘finger buffet’ isn’t it?).

Frostbite is no doubt a horrible condition to contact and it is something that Sir Ranulph has suffered from, notably when he visibly suffered from it on his nose – at which point he became known as Sir Rudolph Finnes…

It must also be incredibly difficult for Sir Ranulph to drop out of the trek, particularly given the nature of this task… where his team will trek through the coldest place on earth… well… it’s the second coldest place on earth… George Osborne’s heart is the coldest place on earth…

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The 3 A’s…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog (it got 1 ‘like’) – making the ‘blog more popular that John Terry at the conference for the promotion of ethnic minorities (or just as popular in the event that Luis Suarez turns up to give Terry a bit of moral supporty).

There weren’t any comments though and I’m guessing that’s because most people who read the ‘blog then decided to read through a list to Silvio Berlusconi’s scandals – with any luck they might finish reading them in 3 or 4 days time.

Anyhow, it’s time to move onto today’s ‘blog, which is on the subject of the economy. There was a time where the UK had a credit rating that had more A’s in it than 2 scousers having a conversation – yesterday in fact.

Today is a slightly different as our credit rating has now been downgraded, although I’m not entirely sure of how the grading system works – but I think we go from AAA to AA to C to D to 9V… or that might be batteries… I’m not sure… but I’m Ever Ready to try and joke about it.

The whole concept of rating this kind of thing is very interesting and innovative; personally speaking, whoever came up with the idea gets a pat of the back from me – you’ve got to give them some Credit…

Disappointing as though it is to lose the AAA rating, the UK is not alone in losing their top-banded rating. Last year, the USA were downgraded by ratings agency S&P – they basically said to America that they would no longer be rated as AAA due to their debt’s Standard being Poor…

Standard & Poor’s weren’t the credit rating agency who downgraded the UK thought – apparently we were downgraded my a Moody bunch of people.

Well, I’ve just checked and apparently the credit rating agency who downgraded the UK was actually called Moody’s… their decision sent shockwaves through London’s Square Mile… George Osborne took decisive action and acted quickly though… he downgraded Moody’s from ‘a good bunch of guys’ to ‘an absolute set of w*nkers’…

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