Tag Archives: funny tweets

#GroupTweetsNowtOnTV

More #TweetsNowtOnTV are here and this time Jimbo (@JimboStudios) and Fisher (@CFishTank) tweet all about groups, organisations and societies #GroupTweetsNowtOnTV

Jimbo (@JimboStudios)

Stamp Collectors – A first class society

Stamp Collectors Society – as far as collectors societies go, this one is first class

Miners Welfare – I think this is a group for people Jimmy Savile used to know

Paranormal Groups – I once went to one of these, the people were a bit weird, they all looked like they’d seen a ghost

Gamblers Anonymous – I need to go to this but its full. They said they will let me know when there’s a spare slot

Fishing Club – I have been in my fishing club for 15 years, I can’t help it, I’m hooked!

Student Union – I was in the Student Union at university. The uniform was last nights clothes and a traffic cone hat

Arts & Crafts Club – I was abused when I was in this club. I got felt up.

Scouts – Scouts are always going on about how great they are & how much good they do, what do they want a bloody badge!

Rainbows – I tried to join Rainbows but was thrown out for turning up dressed as Zippy

Model Airplane Society – I once tried to start one of these societies but it never really took off

Poker Club – my local poker club have just celebrated there 15th anniversary I sent them a card & gave them a big hand

Train Spotters – these people are great. They have an excellent track record.

Nudist Society – I was annoyed when i was thrown out of this society for wearing underwear…the bare cheek of it!

Fisher (@CFishTank)

The F.A – Roy Hodgson will tell you all about these…on the tube

The FA – Roy Hogdson has some strong views on his employer – if you’re on the tube, he might tell them to you

The Royal Shakespeare Company – they lost a pencil recently; no-one knows what type it was – was it a 2B or not 2B?

The TUC – a trade union body that insists on people having coffee breaks – and eating cheesy biscuits at the same time

Gamblers Anonymous – my local group closed recently – I’m not sure what the odds on that happening were…

The Brownies – John Terry isn’t a fan of this group…

Equity – 2 members of this actors union had a row recently – although they might have just been pretending

News International Group – are organising an Xmas party – James Murdoch isn’t going as he didn’t know anything about it

The Football Referees Association – wrongdoings in this group were recently revealed by a whistle-blower…

The National Trust – Jimmy Savile lost this year…

Association of Rail Operators – their annual meeting was delayed… then it was cancelled and took place on a bus

Group for embarrassing problems – I went to the premature ejaculators group – although I arrived far too early…

Alcoholics Anonymous – these meetings are quite strenuous – so the participants often nip for a pint afterwards…

Trade Unions –  they had a ten-pin bowling night the other week – there were loads of strikes

British Dental Association – they once merged with the British Manicurists Association – but they fought tooth and nail

This was the 50th ever #TweetsNowtOnTV and sadly it will becoming to an end when Jimbo and Fisher reach the 52nd. A lot of our #TweetsNowtOnTV are archived here on our website though so feel free to have a browse through. Don’t forget to follow Jimbo (@JimboStudios) and (@CFishTank) on twitter!

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#FoodTweetsNowtOnTV

Weekly Sunday night tweets are back and this week Jimbo (@jimbostudios) and Fisher (@CFishTank) tweeted about Food. #TweetsNowtOnTV is getting quite a following and others have no started to join in too! Here are a pick of the best #FoodTweetsNowtOnTV.

@JimboStudios

Mint – I once got carried away and ate too many mints so I ate an onion to freshen up

Ice cream – is what I do when I’m on a roller coaster or when someone makes me jump

Spaghetti – Easy to cook but I bet my mom could still burn it, I wouldn’t put it past-her

Pot Noodles – how do you even smoke them?

Rice Crispies – when you add milk they go snap, crackle and pop, when you add dynamite they are a little louder

Cheese – I was going to make a joke about Anthony Worrall Thompson but it wouldn’t be very mature

BBQ Ribs – one positive to come from my great uncles funeral at the crematorium

Carrot – apparently help you see in the dark, also they don’t need battery’s like torches

Apple – an apple a day keeps the doctor away, Harold Shipman obviously was immune to apples

Full English – is the only thing John Terry will eat

@CFishTank

Meatballs – Are really nice in China, they really are the dogs bollocks

Wholemeal bread: you’d have to eat quite a lot of it to make it into a whole meal

Gateau: I’d like to have more of these – but I suppose I can’t have my cake and eat it

Peanut butter: if you do this, you should probably visit your doctor

Apple Sauce: was the name of the staff magazine which detailed all the juicey gossip in Steve Jobs’ organisation

Lamb: I ate some of this with a lovely sauce the other day – it was mint

Pizza: I knew a takeaway that sold these, but they closed after suffering cashflow problems – they ran out of dough.

Beef sirloin: I store this right at the top of my fridge – the steaks are high

Meat: Lady Gaga once wore a dress made of this, it didn’t leave much to the imagination – you could see her sausage

Meatballs: I ate these in a Korean restaurant a few months ago – they were the dog’s bollocks

Cherry Bakewell: is what Tony Blair says to his wife when he wants her to cook something nice

And a few picks from some #TweetsNowtOnTV newbies

@georgielax20

Munchies – I get these so I go and buy a pack

Cherry bakewells – whoever’s made them have baked them very well

Icing – got to be careful when eating this it can be a bit slippy

@alistairhgvcc

Bakewell Tart: a promiscuous lady from the outskirts of Derbyshire

Coconut: hairy brown nuts, cue innuendo

Caramac: a very sugary computer

@jo_miller70

Minstrels – watch out for the little men playing music in your chocolate bag

Bananas – usually in pyjamas and coming down the stairs

Don’t forget to follow us and join us every Sunday at 10.15pm for more #TweetsNowtOnTV

www.twitter.com/JimboStudios

www.twitter.com/CFishTank

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#EasterTweetsNowtOnTV

Jimbo (@JimboStudios) and Fisher (@CFishTank) are here with an Easter special of #TweetsNowtOnTV with #EasterTweetsNowtOnTV , Enjoy!

Easter Egg Hunt – played at Easter when you have to find Easter eggs. It’s easy I found mine at Tesco

Buttons Egg – an Easter Egg with chocolate buttons inside, I couldn’t open mine it took me ages, I’ve cracked it now

Easter Bonnet – is what you would wear on your head. Bloody heavy wearing the front a car on your head.

Maundy Thursday – the last Supper when Jesus gave his followers bread and wine, he could have just retweeted them

Lambs – often associated with Easter, not sure what George and his dad Larry have to do with Easter to be honest

Judas – betrayed Jesus and was very unpopular for it, he has a Lady Gaga song named after him though so every cloud

Henry VIII – was the first person to ever receive an Easter Egg, he received the next 100 as well with the look of it

Easter Chicks – a pull out poster in the Easter edition of Playboy magazine

The Three Mary’s – visited Jesus Tomb after his death. As if he wasn’t confused enough

Passover – Man Citys long ball tactics

Shrove Tuesday – known as pancake day, I got a pancake stuck to the to the ceiling this year, my girlfriend flipped

Easter Egg Hunt – is rhyming slang for how you’d describe Piers Morgan

Crown of Thorns – caused a terrible headache and irritation – I think it was the inspiration for The Only Way is Essex

Jesus’ resurrection – I don’t know what a resurrection is – but I’m guessing it’s better than a normal erection

The Crucifix – Jesus needed this to happen like he needed a hole in the head… and hand… and foot…

Lent – you give something up until Easter – I stopped letting people borrow things this year for lent…

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#IrishTweetsNowtOnTV

A St.Patricks day special of #TweetsNowtOnTV now from Jimbo (@JimboStudios) and Fisher (@CFishTank) as they tweet about all and everything thats irish #IrishTweetsNowtOnTV..”top of the mornin to ya”

Leprechaun – A small annoying Irish character, but that’s enough about Louis Walsh

Shamrock – it’s a fake rock

Riverdance – Michael Flatley invented this, he once accidentally kicked a pebble at an otter while doing it

Irish Lottery – it’s the best lottery to play, because its Irish, they pay out more than they earn from ticket sales

Peace Process – this process involves not blowing people up

Sinn Fein – is someone who fakes having shins

Irish Pubs – in Ireland they call these houses

Gaelic Football – this football is played in Ireland, it smells and sometimes it’s even got melted cheese on it

Leprechaun – A small annoying Irish character, but that’s enough about Louis Walsh

Cork – a place in Ireland, a good place to pop off to

Guinness – the slogan is “good things come to those who wait” but you try telling an Irish man to wait for his Guinness

Jedwood – the worse thing to come out of Ireland since Louis Walsh

Clover – it’s a kind of butter, if you find a clover with 4 leaves in it, call the customer helpline on the label

Irish Traveler – otherwise known as a Gypsy. I once had a gypsy pen friend…it obviously didn’t work out.

Irish Stew – what you should let Roy Keane do if he is in a bad mood

Potato – Irelands staple food, most Irish have said they wish it was chips instead

Ryanair – an Irish low cost airline, it’s cheap because they let Jedwood fly the planes

Irish Curse – an Irish man does this when he spills his Guinness or when Jedwood are on TV again

Potato – The staple food of Ireland. Many Irish wish it was chips instead.

Roy Walker – Irish man with bright white hair and a stupid grin…say what you see

Sinead O’Connor – cried on one of her music videos, not sure why, it actually sold quite a lot of copies

Boyzone – there’s Xboxes, beer and magazines full of nude ladies here

Good Friday Agreement – was when the Catholics and Protestants agreed to stop eating each other’s Easter eggs

Bono – a lot of talented people are now referred to by one name only – Craig Revel-Horwood told me that

Guinness hat – I wore one of these on St Patrick’s Day; my head was soaked – don’t use liquid as a hat

Ireland Jokes – there was an Irishman, a Scotsman & an Englishman… and they were stood in the wrong order

Jedward – they’re a famous Irish export. Apparently Ireland are more than willing to let the UK keep them…bugger.

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#WebTweetsNowtOnTV

Jimbo (@JimboStudios) & Fisher (@CFishTank) are back and this time #TweetsNowtOnTV tackles the world of the world wide web with #WebTweetsNowtOnTV. So get connected and enjoy!

Google – I did a google search for this search engine

Google – I used this search engine the other day to find the Google search engine

Broadband – a term used to describe the Arctic Monkeys accent

Bandwidth – is something to do with data, not how much Beth Ditto adds to the width of her band The Gossip

Parental Controls – I set these on family computer to stop my parents from looking at porn

Internet Explorer – is how Christopher Columbus really found America and imported tobacco

Firefox – is a website for recently made redundant foxes

Wikipedia – no idea what this is, I’ll just look it up on Wikipedia

Comparison Websites – I used a website to compare which one of these was better

Moonpig.com – was gutted when this website put its prices up, but since finding funky pigeon, I’m over the moon

Yahoo – is what an excited American would say

Chat Rooms – is where you can log on to talk about rooms with other people interested in rooms

Dating Websites – I once dated someone online, it didn’t last long, we lost the connection

Instant Messenger – deliver messages instantly, unlike the Royal Mail, who just lose them

4G – Is the text abbreviation for if you were asking for group sex

Amazon – is a website you can buy rainforests from

URL – a really unlucky guy who keeps getting bad Karma and has a show on Channel 4 his name is URL

Hotmail – a popular website amongst straight females and gay men

Spam – I keep getting people emailing me this

Internet Shopping – I was doing this the other day and a window came up asking I needed help, i said I was just browsing

Favorites – is secret section on my parents computer where details of who the favorite child is stored

WAP – is the violent impact which occurs when Batman and Robin can’t get there mobile phone Internet working

Spotify –is what Harry Potter says when he wants to give an enemy really back acne

Google Earth – that’s a bloody impressive sponsorship deal that Google have got there

LastMinute .com – thinking for a name of this website was completed very late in the day

Spam – I get this via email – I currently have someone persistently trying to sell me some tinned meat

The worldwide web – was created by an over-active spider

Hotmail – is the result of the postman setting fire to your post – that’s presuming they haven’t lost it first

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#DrinksTweetsNowtOnTV

Crack open a bottle of beer/wine or grab yourself a soft drink whilst sipping this edition of #TweetsNowtOnTV which is all about Drinks. What’s your tipple? It’s  Jimbo (@JimboStudios)  and Fishers (@CFishTank) round with #DrinkTweetsNowtOnTV, enjoy it but don’t have too much!

Pepsi Max – inspired a rollercoaster. I have been on it, there were no ups, downs or bends. It was a bit flat.

Diet Coke – is what Pete Doherty has when he is on a diet

Spring Water – I once dropped a bottle of this and it bounced away from me

Pepsi Max – inspired a roller coaster. I went on it but it was rubbish there were no dips or bends, it had gone flat

Nescafé – is a cafe Scotland by the banks of Lochness

Milkshake – I’ve stopped making milkshake as it keeps bringing boys to my yard, apparently its better than yours

XXXX – My girlfriend sends me this every birthday in Christmas in a card

Tango – this drink is also an excellent dancer, unlike Paul Gascoigne…who is an excellent drinker.

Yorkshire Tea – I pity t’fools who t’drink this

Southern Comfort – a sofa shop in Devon

Milk – I hate how some cows are treated during milking, I think it’s an udder disgrace

Peach Schnapps – photographs of Peaches Geldof

Woo Woo – sorry I just got excited about this tweet

Iced Tea – is what happened when Mr T got locked in a fridge freezer

Wine – my friend is jealous my home made wine is better than his, I think it’s just sour grapes

My friends are jealous of my home made wine. I think its just sour grapes.

7 Up – is what most teams will be against Cardiff if they finally get promoted to the Premiership

Carlsberg – I’ve asked them to write this tweet for me as it will probably be the best tweet in the world

Panda Pops – are hard to find nowadays, this brand is almost extinct

Breast milk – I drank some of this for a bet recently – I felt a right tit while I was doing it

Blackcurrant – one of these is sleeping with a redcurrant’s wife – that’s some current affairs news for you…

Cranberry juice – is good at healing urinary infections. That’s actually true – I’m not taking the piss

Carling – I once thought I drank this, it was yellowish and quite warm – fortunately it turned out to be urine

French white wine – I’m trying to think of the name of some of these – but I’m currently drawing a blanc

Champagne – is what you call it when someone fakes an injury – it’s popular with Premiership football players

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#XmasTweetsNowtOnTV

It’s the Christmas special of #TweetsNowtOnTV with #XmasTweetsNowtOnTV. Enjoy and Merry Christmas to all #TweetsNowtOnTV readers.

Mary had a nice Ass

Wrapping Paper – Snoop Dog and Eminem themed gift wrap

Tags – convicted presents wear these when they have been released from prison

Angel – you can measure these with a protractor

Gabriel – star of the Nativity every year and also has hit singles such as “Dreams” and “Sunshine”

Santa Clause – This is on your car insurance policy. It protects you from losing your no claims if you’re hit by a sleigh on Christmas eve

Donkey – Mary had one of these, she had a nice Ass

Stockings – Santa likes to stuff stockings…with money in Lapland, his local strip club

Frankincense – a man called Frank who has got really angry and wound up about something

Christmas Cards – so far this year, I’ve been sent the 4 of diamonds and the 7 of clubs

Mulled Wine – a corner of this wine has jam in it

Advent Calendar – the late Steve Jobs had one of these every year – but he hated the fact that they all had windows

Bell Ends – is what the end of a Santas hat has, or an episode of The Only Way is Essex

The Grinch – nobody likes him, but thats enough about John Terry

The Grinch – nobody likes him, but that’s enough about John Terry

Christmas Carol – Carol Smiley wearing a Christmassy jumper

Noel – is the French for “Christmas” and is the English for “has a stupid little beard and is friends with Mr Blobby”

White Christmas – is probably what John Terry and Luis Suarez will be dreaming of this year.

The Star of Bethlehem – is the name of a Middle Eastern version of Britain’s Got Talent

St Nicolas – was from Turkey and we eat turkey at Christmas – I suppose we’re lucky he wasn’t from Greece

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