Tag Archives: football

WOWS Podcast Ep.10 Back from the Dead

We are back with the WOWS Podcast after a 4 year break!

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In the driving seat…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it once again received no ‘likes’, which made it about as popular George Osborne and Iain Duncan-Smith in a benefits queue. That said, I’m guessing plenty of people in the benefits queue would happily throw coins at them – were it not for the fact that the probably don’t have any spare money…

 

I was a bit surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t get any correspondence from the people of North Korea, although I’m guessing their access to the internet is somewhat limited and in any event, a lot of North Koreans are getting involved in their national table tennis tournament – apparently it’s called the ping-Pyongyang… 

 

That said, the people of South Korea were also said to be busy as there was a big concert on in their capital city – with music from British R&B band Seoul II Seoul. 

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which is about the reassuring news that, despite the hardships faced by many people in the UK and the fact that someone who I think was called Phil Pot carried out the most wicked of crimes against 6 innocent children; one of the major stories on the BBC News website is that Manchester City winger Samir Nasri has been banned for driving for 6 months.

 

Nasri was fined around £2,100 (approximately a few hour’s wages) and banned from driving for 6 months. Bizarrely, according to the BBC News, ‘Nasri was originally convicted in June but this was overturned after he signed a declaration saying he was unaware his Mercedes had been caught on camera’ – this is a great way of getting out of a crime and I think I will now go and personally track down Piers Morgan and punch him repeatedly in the face and advise the police that I wasn’t aware that anyone saw the crime. 

 

The ‘news’ about Nasri comes just one day after his Manchester City colleague Carlos Tevez was given community service for driving whilst banned – apparently his excuse about him not being aware that anyone had seen him driving whist banned, controversially, didn’t stand-up in Court. 

 

It’s not the first-time Tevez has been involved in controversies, he once posed for a large billboard which said ‘Welcome To Manchester’. Although the billboard was vandalised and when questioned by Police as to why he felt a criminal act was necessary, the offender simply stated ‘Welcome To Manchester’…  

 

Tevez’s other major controversy was his reluctance to play football (typical footballer) in a Champions League game last year… Tevez said that his boss was a disgrace and treated him like a dog… as a result Tevez refused to stand on a field and run around after a ball…

 

By the way, episode 5 of the WOWS podcast is now available, make sure you listen to this thoroughly entertaining 26 minutes… well… maybe not…

 

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Mili-banned…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it once again received no ‘likes’, which made it about as popular as Gordon Ramsey in the family enclosure at a football game – I hope you think that f*cking analogy is f*cking amusing Gordon, you f*cking potty-mouthed tw*t.     

 

I was a bit surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t get any correspondence from the students of Oxford or Cambridge University, but they said that I didn’t go to either of their Universities, so I may as well not bother existing. I did get one message from a keen rowing fan who told me that I should be embarrassed by the fact that I wrote a ‘blog containing so many woeful rowing puns – so I wrote back to him telling him not to stick his oar in…

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which is about David Miliband – who has recently taken on the job as CEO of a large charity based in New York. This has resulted in him resigning as MP for South Shields… and as Board Member of Sunderland FC – he also tried to resign as Ed Miliband’s brother, although he wasn’t allowed (in spite of giving official notice of his resignation on the grounds that Ed Miliband was a cheeky little f*cker who stole David’s dream job).    

 

By the way, ‘Miliband’ is obviously an unusual name, and it’s not often you hear the word ‘Miliband’ – it certainly isn’t a phrase that was said when News International made their list of approved people who’s phones they were going to hack…

 

In spite of what I said earlier, David Miliband didn’t actually resign as a Board Member of Sunderland FC because of his new job – or even because they are terrible at football. 

 

He instead resigned because the club appointed Paolo Di Canio as their manager. Miliband said that he disagreed with Di Canio’s previously reported political views. Di Canio is alleged to have said that he was ‘a fascist, but not a racist’… or ‘a racist, but not a fascist’ – let’s be honest, neither of them is a particularly good thing or have very appealing connotations…

 

Perhaps we should give this alleged fascist/racist a second chance? Let’s be honest, only an absolute Nazi would pre-judge someone in such a way…

 

To be fair to Di Canio, we should perhaps focus on all of his on-the-field actions, instead of his off-the-field views… things like pushing the referee over, that happened on-the-field… but in all seriousness, Di Canio was a wonderful footballer and one of the finest to play in the Premiership… he played on the right wing…

 

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Win, Lose or Draw… Draw… and Draw…

Usual service has been resumed and there wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog. It received no ‘likes’ – which made it about as popular as Ed Miliband amongst hardcore Tory voters… and hardcore Labour voters.

 

On the subject of the Milibands, I was a bit surprised to hear that a friend of David Miliband’s had told the BBC that David Miliband is planning on quitting as an MP in order to move to New York. Ed Miliband is said to be pretty jealous of David – particularly the bit about him having a friend… 

 

I was a bit surprised that I didn’t get any correspondence from any obsessed fans of health and safety regulations following my ‘blog about throwing flapjack – although I’m advised that the head of the Health and Safety Executive wrote to me complaining about the ‘blog, although he wouldn’t envelope the letter in case he gave himself a papercut on his lips when he licked the envelope.  

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which is about cricket (for the second time in as many weeks). I should now declare an interest and state that I’m a huge cricket fan, but I won’t bore you to death with the nitty-gritty of various cricket related chat (although I would absolutely love to as I’m a massive cricket fan – even the fact the Piers Morgan likes cricket doesn’t dissuade me from being a cricket fan).

 

Purely by chance I woke up to watch the end of this morning’s final test match between England and New Zealand where England’s Matt Prior and Monty Panesar successfully defied New Zealand for the final 19 balls of the game to ensure that England drew the series that had lasted 15 days… er… nil-nil.    

 

That really is the problem with cricket, which is that you can play for 5 days at a time and you can still draw more often than a teenage Pablo Picasso after he’d been given some new pencil crayons for Christmas – although most people would probably be able to make more sense of one of Picasso’s pictures than they would of the rules of cricket.

 

(If anyone is unaware, Picasso is an artist well know for his surrealism. Unfortunately, most people now hear the word ‘Picasso’ and instantly think of the Citroen people carriers – which are rubbish by the way, I bought one recently and the wing mirrors were both on the same side of the car…).

 

Anyhow, it was with great skill that Monty Panesar (a man who’s batting ability is more akin to Monty Burns) saved the series and ensured England drew in spite of the fact that they were fundamentally the worst team. Monty (whose batting contains more comedy than Monty Python) memorably also did this against Australia in the summer of 2009. What was his reward you may ask? He didn’t play for England again for another two and a half years. But still eh, thanks for today Monty, we’ll see you again in 2015.  

 

The cricket team shouldn’t be alone in being lauded for their ability to perform poorly and snatch a draw against mediocre opposition… this skill was demonstrated by England’s football team tonight against Montenegro… England were pretty rubbish to be honest and Montenegro are pretty poor… If England had lost to them and then didn’t qualify for the World Cup… it would Serb them right…

 

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Marching on snowy ground…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received one ‘like’ – which was a bit surprising as:

 

a) I was under the influence of alcohol when writing it;

 

b) It was incorrect as the beer duty decrease takes effect on Sunday; and

 

c) It barely contained any words

 

…indeed perhaps it’s the fact that I didn’t mention anything that made it so popular? 

 

Anyhow, that’s all for today’s ‘blog. 

 

I’ll be back tomorrow…

 

 

 

Have the ‘likes’ appeared yet?

 

No? Well I might as well carry on then…

 

I was a bit surprised that I didn’t get any correspondence from fans of Jim Davidson after my remark about him in yesterday’s ‘blog – but then I remembered that he doesn’t have any fans. 

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog… which is about the weather (again). 

 

I was lining up a bit of a streamlined ‘blog again this evening as I was due to watch a German comedian in Manchester (should the phrase ‘German comedian’ not be too much of a contradiction), but his gig was cancelled due to the poor weather – unless it wasn’t actually cancelled and the whole ‘cancellation’ thing it was just another really bad German joke?

 

The comedian in question, the highly amusing Henning When (a man whose name gets changed to ‘Henning When’ by the predictive text on my Blackberry), was instead stuck in Belfast airport where he’d been gigging last night (I presume that’s the case, the reason given for cancellation was that there were no fights in and out of Belfast airport – so it’d be a bit of a poor excuse if his gig last night was in Wigan). 

 

The weather also had dire consequences for many other people, with roads being iced over, schools being closed and businesses having to shut for the day. There was also bad luck for any football fans – the England vs San Marino game went ahead as planned…

 

The game was pretty one-sided though and it really was a case of watching an absolute bunch of useless rank amateurs… playing against San Marino…

 

The game was in fact that easy for England that they could have played with 10 men – or if you like; they could have picked Emile Heskey…

 

Anyhow, whilst the weather may be worse than the idea of going for sushi with a member of the KBG… all is not lost for me as the German comedian Henning Wehn will be doing a replacement gig in Manchester… typical German… insisting on having a sequel after the first attempt messes up…

 

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United in defeat…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it got no ‘likes’ although my previous ‘blog post about the drinking habits of Australians received a ‘like’ – I’m not sure why it took so long for this post to be ‘liked’, perhaps it was because it was the first time since publishing that the Australians had been sober enough to operate a computer?

 

I was surprised to see that I didn’t got many comments from the fans of Justin Bieber, although I did get 1 message which said ‘y do u h8 Justin? we luv justin u r not a Bieleiber #bieberfever #bieberforever’ – I’m not sure which Tweeter used sent me that, although I’m guessing it wasn’t Stephen Fry. 

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which is about football, particular it’s about a team called Manchester United (I was going to write about the president of Venezuela dying, but I decided to write about Wayne Rooney and Co – so it’s more about Chavs than it is about Chavez). 

 

Besides, I was desperately trying to think of a pun based around the name of the capital of Venezuela, but I couldn’t think of one – and trying to craft a good pun was driving me Caracas…

 

Talking about things that are crackers, the Turkish referee in the Manchester United game made a terrible decision last night; well, that’s the opinion of the Man United fans – for the opposition fans, it was a Turkish delight… 

 

I was a bit surprised when I heard the team news for Man United last night and that Wayne Rooney had been left out of the team. I also scoured the teamsheet and saw that that Christiano Ronaldo bloke who was quite good for Man United a few years ago wasn’t on Man United’s team list, but it turned out that he was actually playing and that’s not a joke – it was for Real…

 

The game was going okay until Man United’s Portuguese winger kicked the former Liverpool player Xabi Alonso in the chest (surely Alonso didn’t deserve to be kicked – even if he did formerly to play for Liverpool) and the Man United star was shown a card that was the same colour as Sir Alex Ferguson’s face and he became quite upset – he started crying and asked for his Nani…

 

Anyhow, Sir Alex was quick to comment on the decision… apparently it was a, ‘f*cking awfully sh*t decision, which was f*cking embarrassingly bad and so f*cking sh*t that the absolute f*cking w*nker of a referee should be f*cking ashamed of his f*cking embarrassing self’… Real Madrid’s manager then asked Ferguson if he though the decision was the correct one… Ferguson was quick to respond… he said, ‘No way, Jose’… 

 

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Speculation Deadline Day…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, although David Beckham rang me up to say that he thought my comments insinuating that he wasn’t very clever were a bit offensive.

Because I know he sometimes dressed up in women’s clothes, I told him not to get his knickers in a twist. Beckham’s response was that he lives in Paris now, so he only wears French knickers. I asked how he found wearing French knickers and he said that they were comfortable, but they were a bit difficult to take down when he goes for a oui…

Anyhow, it’s time to stop ‘blogging about David Beckham and start ‘blogging about today’s subject: football.

Yesterday saw what I thought was the final day for people to get temporary tattoos until the end of the football season – it was transfer deadline day…

It then transpired that the transfer deadline was the last day to sign footballer players; presumably to play football, although in the case of Peter Crouch, he’s probably better at doing other things like putting items on high shelves (it’s slightly ironic that such a tall man is called Crouch – perhaps he’s so called because that’s what he has to do when walks through a door frame).

Some of the transfers on the final day were quite over excessive, with Queen’s Park Rangers deciding that they should buy some footballers instead of just playing the people who a look after places like Hyde Park and Regent’s Park.

One of QPR’s big signings was Christopher Samba for over £10m. Samba celebrated by doing a latin dance (although I don’t know which one…). Whilst the wages that Samba is being paid do appear to be excessive (over £100,000 per week) his new manager Harry Redknapp was quick to say that he’s taking a cut in wages as he didn’t pay tax on his wages in Russia – not paying tax obviously being something Reknapp knows a lot about, allegedly…

It’s hard to imagine quite why football players chose to tie themselves into 3 year contracts earning in excess of £50,000 per week, but I’d suspect it’s because they get to earn in excess of £50,000 a week for 3 years. That amount of money is bonkers, I mean with £50,000 per week you could probably buy many luxury items – such as a ticket to a Premier League game and half a pint of larger whilst you’re there (okay, I may be being a bit unrealistic there).

My transfer deadline man of the day however was Peter Odemwingie (who annoyed his club West Brom so much that he’s now called Peter Odembigtime) and who decided to turn up at QPR’s Loftus Road ground in the hope that they’d want to buy him (despite him not contractually being allowed to do that – it was the most unusual ‘turning up’ of a football player since Gazza rocked up with a fishing rod and some cans of Carling).

Odemwingie managed to alienate his employers, his club’s fans and his teammates – which as alienations go, is almost as big as Mars (‘alien nation’, you see?)… After his shameful display, he was then told to leave the club’s training ground on Friday and head home… unfortunately he got confused and headed back to QPR’s ground again… who said footballers were stupid…

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