Tag Archives: David Beckham

Speculation Deadline Day…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, although David Beckham rang me up to say that he thought my comments insinuating that he wasn’t very clever were a bit offensive.

Because I know he sometimes dressed up in women’s clothes, I told him not to get his knickers in a twist. Beckham’s response was that he lives in Paris now, so he only wears French knickers. I asked how he found wearing French knickers and he said that they were comfortable, but they were a bit difficult to take down when he goes for a oui…

Anyhow, it’s time to stop ‘blogging about David Beckham and start ‘blogging about today’s subject: football.

Yesterday saw what I thought was the final day for people to get temporary tattoos until the end of the football season – it was transfer deadline day…

It then transpired that the transfer deadline was the last day to sign footballer players; presumably to play football, although in the case of Peter Crouch, he’s probably better at doing other things like putting items on high shelves (it’s slightly ironic that such a tall man is called Crouch – perhaps he’s so called because that’s what he has to do when walks through a door frame).

Some of the transfers on the final day were quite over excessive, with Queen’s Park Rangers deciding that they should buy some footballers instead of just playing the people who a look after places like Hyde Park and Regent’s Park.

One of QPR’s big signings was Christopher Samba for over £10m. Samba celebrated by doing a latin dance (although I don’t know which one…). Whilst the wages that Samba is being paid do appear to be excessive (over £100,000 per week) his new manager Harry Redknapp was quick to say that he’s taking a cut in wages as he didn’t pay tax on his wages in Russia – not paying tax obviously being something Reknapp knows a lot about, allegedly…

It’s hard to imagine quite why football players chose to tie themselves into 3 year contracts earning in excess of £50,000 per week, but I’d suspect it’s because they get to earn in excess of £50,000 a week for 3 years. That amount of money is bonkers, I mean with £50,000 per week you could probably buy many luxury items – such as a ticket to a Premier League game and half a pint of larger whilst you’re there (okay, I may be being a bit unrealistic there).

My transfer deadline man of the day however was Peter Odemwingie (who annoyed his club West Brom so much that he’s now called Peter Odembigtime) and who decided to turn up at QPR’s Loftus Road ground in the hope that they’d want to buy him (despite him not contractually being allowed to do that – it was the most unusual ‘turning up’ of a football player since Gazza rocked up with a fishing rod and some cans of Carling).

Odemwingie managed to alienate his employers, his club’s fans and his teammates – which as alienations go, is almost as big as Mars (‘alien nation’, you see?)… After his shameful display, he was then told to leave the club’s training ground on Friday and head home… unfortunately he got confused and headed back to QPR’s ground again… who said footballers were stupid…

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Are EU in or are EU out?

There wasn’t a huge amount of feedback regarding yesterday’s ‘blog – although I do fear that a high powered lawyer representing an oil refining firm may wander up and serve me with Court papers. Also, my thanks go to the person who pointed out that the Deepwater Horizon oil rig extracted oil via the largest bore in the world. The largest bore in the world?!? What did Katie Price’s new ITV2 documentary have to do with things?

Anyway, on to the topic of today’s ‘blog: Europe.

Wasn’t The Final Countdown a brilliant song? (Surely the song title is factually incorrect though given that Countdown is still on Channel 4 every weekday?).

Sorry, I’m talking about the wrong Europe… I’ll ‘blog about that big continent thing that exists on the massive Eurasian tectonic plate instead – which is the 3rd largest plate in the world after the North American plate and Eamonn Holmes’ dinner plate.

The issue of Europe was re-ignited last week when David Cameron announced a simple referendum on whether we should be part of the EU, the referendum was said to be basic to understand with the possible responses being ‘in’ or ‘out’ (and potentially ‘shake it all about’, but I’m not too sure).

The vote will be the first ‘in’ or ‘out’ referendum since the ill-fated 1996 referendum on which type of belly-button you prefer – what a waste of money that was (or should I have said, ‘what a waist of money that was’?).

I’m led to believe that Cameron’s actions are an attempt to placate the Conservative backbenchers who are Eurosceptics. Personally I’m not a Eurosceptic – although I did once think I may have been given a fake 5 Euro note…

I don’t really see why there’s a need to be scared of Europe (unless they elect Silvio Berlusconi as President – that said, the Vice President he chooses should be easy on the eye). Also, the whole of central Europe now appears to be ruled by Germany – which didn’t really go down that well on the last two occasions they tried to do that.

There’s a lot to be thankful towards Europe for, whilst many people dislike the freedom of movement for foreign workers, it has taken David Beckham off our hands for the next 6 months – and more importantly, it’s also got rid of Posh Spice for a while.

Beckham is moving to play football in Paris and was keen to deny that the standard of his football was no longer up to scratch – he said that the Disneyland team he’s now going to be part of is pretty good… although I’d say they’re a fairly Mickey Mouse team…

Beckham to be fair is like many foreign workers and it’s believed that he’s keen to learn the language. Apparently he has already built up a vocabulary of 50 or so basic words… and now he needs to translate them into French…

It’s hard to know what would happen to this country if we withdrew from the EU, however I’d suspect that a lot of people would lose their jobs – in particular Members of the European Parliament such as Nigel Farage and Nick Griffin… so perhaps pulling out of the EU might not be that bad after all…

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WOWS News Round Up January 28th 2013

The route of the new high-speed train network linking Birmingham to Manchester and Leeds is announced
The transport secretary has announced the route which apparently stop at 5 stations. The route was actually supposed to be announced a couple of weeks ago but instead the announcement was delayed due to a shortage of staff, it was then cancelled until further notice and then they decided to do the announcement on a replacement bus service instead. There has been a lot of criticism of the proposed route due to the fact it cuts through the picturesque country side – by this we don’t think they are referring to Birmingham. The Department For Transport has claimed the new high-speed rail will reduce journey times by half which is good because that means we will only be stuck on the platform for half an hour rather than a full hour.

French troops have taken control of Timbuktu airport in Mali
French led troops who are fighting in Mali against Islamist rebels have taken control of the airport in key city Timbuktu. This is quite an achievement as we have always been led to believe Timbuktu was impossible to get to. Imagine the instructions to the troops. “You must get from here to Timbuktu”. That particular phrase has commonly been used in the past to describe a very, very far away location, virtually impossible to get to. So the fact that the troops have managed it is great. Although the fact that there is an airport in Timbuktu probably suggest that it’s not that impossible to get to and perhaps they should re-work the phrase. Possibly to “from here down to the next junction on the M62” would nowadays be a more appropriate phrase as the M62 is more impossible to conquer in terms of travel.

Iran claims it has sent a monkey into space

Iran is claiming that it has successfully flown a monkey into space and back and takes Iran one step closer to achieving a manned space flight. Obviously Iran is quite far behind the likes of the US and Russia but it is a great achievement for them. In comparison to our British achievements Iran sending to a monkey into space is about the same as the UK’s David Beckham finally learning how to tie his shoe laces or David Cameron remembering to take his young daughter home from the pub. The last achievement for the UK involving a primate and space was quite recently when Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney volleyed a shot over the crossbar out of Old Trafford and into space which hit a man called Felix who was stargazing, this resulted in Felix losing his balance who then fell 20 odd miles from his rocket.

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The Olympics

Well, The games of the XXX Olympiad (that means the 30th Olympic year, not some kind of weird sex Olympics) closed on Sunday.

London became the first city to hold the games 3 times, with The Olympics becoming the first thing known to man to voluntarily attend London on 3 occasions – albeit it does sensibly leave a gap of around 50 years each time.

The opening ceremony gave Britain the opportunity to marvel at what we liked the most – the chance to ridicule a Tory MP (after Aidan Burley MP complained about an event containing 210 countries was ‘too multicultural’, presumably he’s the kind of man who also has a whine about his smoke alarm beeping too loud).

The games themselves were as spectacular and well talked about as Bradley Wiggins’ sideburns. #TeamGB’s performance was outstanding and they finished third in the medal table (which possibly earned them an extra bronze?)

The coverage of the games was wall-to-wall, with the exception of Syria’s attempt to win the gold medal in the Civil War, which unfortunately, was the only event to go largely unreported.

The closing ceremony was a total sell-out… and a lot of people bought tickets as well. Prior to the opening ceremony, there was a public outcry to include Beckham and The Spice Girls performed at the closing ceremony – hence, there was a public outcry to get Beckham and her 4 mates off the stage as soon as possible.

I suppose we’re lucky that the Closing Ceremony didn’t include Bruce Forsyth saying, ‘good games, good games’. But alas, he refused saying that London 2012 wasn’t a patch on the original Olympics that he used to watch in Ancient Greece as a young lad…

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