Tag Archives: Dale Winton

Making a splash…

There wasn't much feedback on yesterday's 'blog, indeed it didn't get any likes - although admittedly it wasn't very long and I did have quite a few pints of beer before writing it, although fortunately 'blogging whilst under the influence of alcohol isn't a criminal offence and long may that continue. 

Anyhow, it's time to move onto to today's blog, which is about a 60 year old man from the village of Puckeridge (and it doesn't even relate to the fact that the name Puckeridge is fairly amusing).

Instead, the 60 year old man in question drove through a puddle and drenched a policeman... actually that's not true, he drenched a Community Support Officer - which is a bit like going to meet a member of the Royal Family only for said member of the Royal Family to be Princess Michael of Kent... or even worse, Prince Edward.

The Community Support Officer then reported this 'crime' claiming that a 'six foot wall of water' covered him from head to toe (so presumably he's shorter than six foot) and after an 8 month investigation the matter has now been dropped - which makes it the most embarrassing incident to involve a wall and water since Dale Winton's presented the programme Hole in the Wall (a show which was only slightly less pleasurable than a hole in the head).

It also goes without saying though that it was the worst incident involving a Splash since the awful TV programme featuring Tom Daley and Jo Brand...

Nonetheless, the news about the Community Support Officer getting wet was the top crime story in the hotbed for crime that is the Herts, Beds and Bucks region - narrowly edging out the theft of some milk bottles from a home in Hemel Hempsted and the shooting of a woman by her boyfriend through a closed bathroom door (the legality of which appears to be very much up for debate).

The whole thing is pretty embarrassing for the Police and they have come out and said that they send out their sincerest apologies for their actions in respect of this and that they will ensure that they uphold their usual standards next time such an event occurs... and they'll shoot the suspected offender dead without asking any questions...

That's not to say that I'm accusing our police force of being unnecessarily brutal... although when making an omelette at a local police station recently, one policeman claimed that a broken egg was there courtesy of it falling down the stairs... that said, their attempt at making the omelette went hideously wrong and was rather embarrassing for the policemen in question... they ended up with egg on their face...

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Making a splash…

There wasn't much feedback on yesterday's 'blog, indeed it didn't get any likes - although admittedly it wasn't very long and I did have quite a few pints of beer before writing it, although fortunately 'blogging whilst under the influence of alcohol isn't a criminal offence and long may that continue. 

Anyhow, it's time to move onto to today's blog, which is about a 60 year old man from the village of Puckeridge (and it doesn't even relate to the fact that the name Puckeridge is fairly amusing).

Instead, the 60 year old man in question drove through a puddle and drenched a policeman... actually that's not true, he drenched a Community Support Officer - which is a bit like going to meet a member of the Royal Family only for said member of the Royal Family to be Princess Michael of Kent... or even worse, Prince Edward.

The Community Support Officer then reported this 'crime' claiming that a 'six foot wall of water' covered him from head to toe (so presumably he's shorter than six foot) and after an 8 month investigation the matter has now been dropped - which makes it the most embarrassing incident to involve a wall and water since Dale Winton's presented the programme Hole in the Wall (a show which was only slightly less pleasurable than a hole in the head).

It also goes without saying though that it was the worst incident involving a Splash since the awful TV programme featuring Tom Daley and Jo Brand...

Nonetheless, the news about the Community Support Officer getting wet was the top crime story in the hotbed for crime that is the Herts, Beds and Bucks region - narrowly edging out the theft of some milk bottles from a home in Hemel Hempsted and the shooting of a woman by her boyfriend through a closed bathroom door (the legality of which appears to be very much up for debate).

The whole thing is pretty embarrassing for the Police and they have come out and said that they send out their sincerest apologies for their actions in respect of this and that they will ensure that they uphold their usual standards next time such an event occurs... and they'll shoot the suspected offender dead without asking any questions...

That's not to say that I'm accusing our police force of being unnecessarily brutal... although when making an omelette at a local police station recently, one policeman claimed that a broken egg was there courtesy of it falling down the stairs... that said, their attempt at making the omelette went hideously wrong and was rather embarrassing for the policemen in question... they ended up with egg on their face...

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À la horse and carte…

I’d like to apologise after in yesterday’s ‘blog I referred to the 2008 football world cup. One eagle-eyed reader was happy to point out that no such thing existed and world cup years were in 2006 and 2010. Sorry for that slight mistake – it’s almost as though I know nothing about football.

In case anyone was wondering, my claim that Lance Armstrong once tested positive for being an orange was also incorrect. Testing positive for being an orange is very rare, although after he fake tanned too much I think Dale Winton once tested positive for being an orange – or he tested positive for being a fruit at least…

On the subject of unusual foods, I was surprised to see that the supermarkets Tesco and Iceland had been found to be selling beef burgers that contained horse DNA – in response, Tesco said that they didn’t really care as selling food is a fairly minor part of what they do nowadays and Iceland said it was the worst problem they’d had since that volcanic ash-cloud back in 2010.

On top of this, the horse DNA was also found in 2 supermarkets of German origins. A spokesman for one said ‘Aldi-side on an appropriate comment to make once I’ve seen the evidence’ and a spokesman for the other one said that he, ‘was a Lidl bit shocked at hearing the news’ – he certainly seemed to be surprised when he was talking to the camera and his voice was a little hoarse.

The origination of the horse DNA appears to have been from a food processing plant in the Republic of Ireland and is currently under investigation from the Irish police who fortunately have just had some resources freed up – as they’ve just called off their search for Shergar…

The realisation that horsemeat has been found in burgers appears to have caused a fair amount of controversy, but ostensibly eating horsemeat poses no health risk (other than to the horse, obviously) and is considered to be a delicacy in France. That said, what isn’t considered a delicacy in France? I once went to a restaurant in France and ordered the Wild Hair in Thyme-Port Wine Sauce – foolishly I thought the spelling of ‘hair’ was a translation error… how wrong I was…

That said, the Irish Agriculture Minister was swiftly shoved in front of a microphone to make a public announcement where he denounced the act of terrorism caused by a small minority and said that he didn’t want to go back to the old days. He then remembered that he’d recently moved jobs, read his notes and proclaimed that Ireland ‘probably has the best traceability and food safety in the world’. This claim is backed-up by Ireland winning the gold medal in food safety at the 2012 Olympics – I say ‘gold medal’, it was actually 42% gold, 34% brass, 13% tin, 8% mercury and 3% carpet…

For all the jokes (trust me, there’s been lots of horse-related jokes on Twitter); it was quite alarming to see that Tesco were selling a burger that’s meat content was 29% horse… which is a greater horse content percentage than Camilla Parker-Bowles…

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