Tag Archives: Australia

WOWS Podcast Ep.23 It’s Spring, so Here is Some Snow

Jimbo & Fisher talk April awareness events including Stress Awareness Month and International Pillow Fight Day. Jimbo hosts a game of “April Fools or April News”

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WOWS Podcast Ep.22 We Didn’t Tamper With Our Balls During the Recording of This Podcast…Or Did We?

Fisher & Jimbo would like to confirm that they did not tamper with their balls during the recording of this podcast and they didn’t drink and podcast either…..well not too much anyway.

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Handball…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’ – which made it about as popular as the England rugby team (well, in England at least – the Welsh absolutely love the England rugby team as of about 6:45 this evening). 

 

I was a bit surprised that I didn’t get any correspondence from any mobile network operators – although I’m advised that the CEO of 3 tried to text me, but he’s struggling to get a signal on his phone…

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which is about rugby. I don’t know much about rugby, but apparently it started at a public school (although I’ve no idea where the school was located) and the game effectively commenced when a schoolboy called William Webb-Ellis picked up the ball up in a football match and ran with it – which annoyed Webb-Ellis as he was only doing his job as his team’s goalkeeper…

 

Today was the potential Grand Slam title decider of the Six Nations between England and Wales at the Millenium Stadium in Cardiff (presumably built in the year 2000, not the year 1000 – I’m also guessing that calling the year 0 a Millenium year would be a bit presumptuous in terms of how long the world would last).    

 

Wales won the match and I’m not in any way bitter towards Wales and they fully deserve their title as winners of the Five Nations and one Principality…

 

Awful as though their performance was, to be fair to England, they were much improved on previous years and a lot of that I down to their inspirational captain – who I think is called Rob Shaw…

 

England are yet to reach the dizzy heights of 2003 when they lifted the World Cup thanks to the kicking and defensive play of their talisman Jonny Wilkinson, a man whose name spelled out the how much of a hard-as-nails man he was (a combination of condoms and a Wilkinson Sword razor). His opposite number in the victory in the World Cup final against Australia was a man called Elton Flatley (a man whose name spelled out how much of a hard-as-nails man he was…). 

 

Although to be fair… that’s the least of Australia’s problems… as they’ll apparently be playing rugby against some Lions later on this summer…

 

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Player coaches…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’ – which is the same amount of likes that Chris Huhne is hoping he’ll receive when he bends over to pick up the soap on his first visit to showers in prison. 

 

I was a bit surprised that I didn’t get a letter from the one-armed Brazilian window cleaner who I referred to yesterday’s ‘blog; although I’m advised that he struggled to fold his letter and put it in the envelope given that he only has one arm – and in addition, when he finally put the letter into the envelope, he kept trying to clean the window on the envelope which displayed the address…

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move onto today’s ‘blog, which is on the subject of cricket. I going to have to quickly Declare an interest and say that I am quite a big cricket fan – and in this respect I’m quite impressed that I’ve ‘blogged for 70 days (Matt) Prior to mentioning cricket. 

 

In any event, I’m not even going to talk about England, even if Steve Finn’s vigil at the crease on Sunday morning was a marathon effort (he batted so well that someone should have given him a Snickers) – the last time I spent that long at the crease, I was doing some ironing.

 

I’m not even going to mention the Bangladesh vs Sri Lanka test match where 8 centuries were scored on a cricket pitch which was flatter than the UK economic forecast and contained less life than the contents of a bush-tucker trial on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. 

 

Instead I’m going to mention Australia, who [amusingly] aren’t currently playing very well. Gone are the days when Australia had the great Shane Warne playing for them – instead he’s now only known for winning one of the early series of The X Factor. 

 

After their recent loss to India where Australia’s plans seemed to be more calamitous than an episode of Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, the coach asked the players to go and think of 3 areas where the team could improve. Most players came back with the following 3 areas where they could improve:

 

1) Batting

 

2) Bowling

 

3) Fielding 

 

Although one unnamed player put as one of his answers, “find a coach who can identify where the problems are and the remedies to them, instead of the current incumbent who keeps asking the players to do it for him” and another one said, “get some players from South Africa to play for our national team – that’s what England do”.

 

Unfortunately, 4 players failed to text or email the coach with suggestions and this resulted in them being axed from their next match – a defeat to India in the 3rd test match which is due to start on Thursday.  

 

One of the players in question, Shane Watson, has said that he’ll now go away and consider his future as an international cricket player… and he’s decided that he wants to wins lots more test matches… so he won’t play for Australia again…

 

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She’s caught the bug…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, there were no ‘likes’ which made the ‘blog about as popular as Andrew Murray at a St George’s Day parade (presuming that he’s just crashed out of another major tournament at the semi-final stage).

I was a bit surprised that George W Bush didn’t get in touch with me, although I’m reliably informed that he spent part of this morning finding his crayons in order to write to me; although he accidentally got one of the crayons stuck in his ear and that spelled the end of the letter – and led to a waxy build up in his ear…

Anyhow, it’s time to move onto today’s ‘blog. I was in Central London yesterday and I walked along The Mall (which was quite disappointing for a mall, as there were no shops) to Buckingham Palace (although they didn’t have all the flags and stuff out waving for me like they did when it was the Diamond Jubilee). I came within a few hundred yards of The Queen and now she’s in hospital – that said, I’ve never been very good with women…

The Queen has been diagnosed with gastroenteritis – which I think is basically a stomach bug, but scores substantially more points in a game of scrabble.

But nonetheless, she’s in hospital for (hopefully) only a few days, so this has put all radio stations in Australia on red alert and they’re hopeful that there won’t be a repeat performance of last year’s prank calls.

Likewise, the hospital has changed their rota to ensure that there are no Filipino nurses scheduled to work whilst Prince Philip is due to visit – he has commented that this will be difficult as there’s so many of them (the same probably applies to any Indian doctors, and indeed anyone with any form of feature that gives Duke of Edinburgh the chance to make a gaffe).

The world’s media have obviously been quick to form a scrum and there’s a small police presence… that was according to the BBC’s correspondent Ben Ando… his sister Fern couldn’t make it though… as she was busy playing host to the contestants on Take Me Out…

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Fostering ambitions…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog (there were no ‘likes’) although my ‘blog post the other week about The Pope seemed to regain in popularity (or ‘pope-ularity’), which just goes to prove how timeless these ‘blog posts really are. That said, perhaps it’s just the world we live in and if I was to make a joke about John Terry being racist then it would always hold true – although I wouldn’t make such a joke as Terry was acquitted of said crime in a Court of Law…

There was little feedback from badger fans either and I’m struggling to think of any further badger related puns as a way of passing comment on this in all honesty.

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, you great big puffy woofters… as today’s ‘blog is about Australia.

There was a time when Australia was inhabited purely by the Aborigines and thus the place was uncivilised – and look at it now!

I’m not really sure what Australia’s main exports are, although I’m guessing they’re daytime soap operas and barman who work in London. I’m also pretty sure their main industry is drinking.

Although apparently that now isn’t the case and there’s an increasing amount of Australians who now don’t drink – and some of them are even men.

Quite what has happened to the Australians is beyond me, a few years ago a group of Australians at a music festival complained because they were only allowed to take 24 cans into the festival with them per day – although perhaps One Direction were performing, hence them needing more than 24 cans to make the day seem bearable.

It’s a shame that Australia isn’t now strong drinking nation that it once was… there was one man in particular who was affected terribly by heavy drinking to such an extent that he got married and split up on numerous occasions… he now has 4X wives…

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Not saving pennies…

There wasn’t a great deal of feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, although I was surprised to see that Peter Odemwingie got confused and turned up at my house last night. He was there in his replica WasteOfWebSpace t-shirt and said that he was keen to become the third member of WasteOfWebSpace – unfortunately he failed a medical when it transpired that he was able to run 5,000 metres without being bent double and requiring oxygen afterwards…

One problem that Odemwingie probably won’t face is the issue of Canada removing their 1 cent coin from circulation as of Monday. That said, why would it, he doesn’t live in Canada.

However, I find it unlikely that a football player would be bothered if Britain decided to remove the 1 pence coin from circulation – save for the fact that it would mean that heavier coins would be being thrown at them during football games.

I don’t know a great deal about Canada, other than it constitutes 100% of the countries in North America that aren’t the United States (and obviously that they now have no 1 cent coin).

Apparently any 1 cent coins in circulation will now be fake, and it’s believed that they will be issued to burglars in Canada as a way of identifying robbers – anyone who steals without being in possession of one of the fake 1 cent coins will be charged with the crime of taking without con-cent…

I’m not sure whether we will remove the penny from UK circulation, but it would take a fair amount of effort given that there’s currently 11.3billion of them in circulation – I can only begin to imagine what the monetary value of that is…

To put this number into context, that’s more than a penny for every person in the world and it’s the same as the extent to which I personally detest Piers Morgan on a scale of 1 to 10. Also, I can’t but help think that the whole situation could be eradicated by creating a 99p coin.

Canada isn’t the only country to remove low value coins from circulation, as New Zealand has also done it (if you’re unaware, New Zealand is a country near Australia which has 2 islands – I think they’re called ‘New’ and ‘Zealand’).

In New Zealand (if you’re unaware, New Zealand is a country near Australia and very similar to Australia – although its people are cultured), they don’t circulate 1, 2 and 5 cent coins and instead their shops give people who are owed a small amount of change some chocolate or a sweet… it’s hard to know whether we’ll adopt a similar thing in the UK and give people a piece of confectionery instead of giving them money… it’s a decision for the Royal Mint…

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