Author Archives: cfishtank

The 100 (and out) club…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, which made it about as popular as someone auditioning for a part in a Shakespearian play who chooses Gangnam Style as their audition song.

 

Apologies for the late post tonight, I’ve been playing pool. I’m a big pool fan and I used to work in a job where I dismantled pool cues for a living; the job was well paid – and I could keep the tips… 

 

Today also marks the 100th day of continuous ‘blogging for me (albeit with the occasional technological failure and the odd day of being pretty busy). 

 

Having racked up a century, which is more than I’ve ever managed on a cricket pitch, it’s time for me to put the WOWS ‘blog into to retirement for a while – effectively it’s ‘100 and out’. 

 

No doubt the WOWS ‘blog will appear again periodically, but not daily (not for a few months anyway) – it will live on like the career of an ageing but lovable DJ… not one from Radio 1 in the 1970’s though, one that’s well respected and scandal-free. 

 

The WOWS ‘blog didn’t set out to achieve anything… yet somehow it managed to fall short… which is a pretty much what we aim for at WasteOfWebSpace… 

 

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Maggie Part 2…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’, which is really annoying – did no-one living in the North of England or Scotland read the thing?

 

Apparently there have been many suggestions in the press that Mrs Thatcher may have gone to hell… although I personally don’t think that is the case… as hell was privatised in 1989…

 

I’ve had a busy day… I’ll be back tomorrow…

 

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Maggie; I think we’ve got something to say about you…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’, which made it about as popular as a man who visits the Tate art gallery and comments that the frames are ‘really nice’ – of course, if you were to visit the Tate Modern art gallery then the picture frames would probably be have c*cks drawn on them as some form of bizarre political statement.

 

I wasn’t surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t lead to me getting any comments from people, given that I almost bored myself whilst I was writing it. Although I was reprimanded for my ‘blog on Friday, which mentioned both Ed Balls and George Osborne and I’ve been advised that I should have mentioned a traffic offence involving a Liberal Democrat – so I’d like to point out the Nick Clegg once rode his bike on a pavement. 

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which is about the death of someone who made roofs out of straw – she was a Thatcher. 

 

Also, I’m told that Baroness Thatcher passed away today. Whatever your opinion on Thatcher, people should be respectful… particularly given that she was the first transvestite to be the UK’s Prime Minister…

 

Obviously she was a woman and the first and only female to lead our country and this was 35 years ago when we didn’t really live in equality-ridden and enlightened times, which in itself it as fantastic achievement and she paved the way for all the influential senior female politicians that we have nowadays, like… erm… er… you know, thingy and wotshername…

 

As is the way, opinion on her leadership is divided and will be discussed more than the payment of the bill on the National Pedants Society’s Christmas Lunch which is attended by all 1,362 members of said society (actually, there’s only 1,361 members, I really hope I’ve annoyed them by saying there were 1362 – and I hope I’ve also annoyed them by not using a comma separator when I just put the number ‘1362’ a few moments ago).

 

I’ll be honest, I’m too young to remember the majority of Thatcher’s time as Prime Minister, but she appears to have annoyed a lot of people who weren’t even born when she was Prime Minister – which takes some skill. However, I’ve heard bits about her and she appears to be up there with Jimmy Saville and Michael Jackson (allegedly) in terms of the amount of miners she shafted…

 

That said, she never lost a general election (it was just a case that her own party didn’t like her) and she was apparently a bit of a domestic goddess, with a particular skill for pressing clothes – this earned her the nickname The Iron Lady. 

 

Her later life was unfortunately besieged by illness, with there being suggestions that she had lost her marbles and had become incapable of rational thought – and a few years later she became the Prime Minister…

 

After her illness, she passed away this morning following a stroke (initial reports had suggested that she had been suffering from heart problems – although it was then remembered that she didn’t have one).

 

In her time, she was renowned for many things, one of which was her obsession with eating a cheesy biscuit before she went to bed at night – so it was quite apt that she died at the Ritz… 

 

That said, in terms of sleeping, it was also a fairly well known fact that Thatcher slept for only a few hours a night – anyone would have thought that her inability to sleep was because she had a guilty conscience…

 

I’ll not comment any further because she divided opinion so much… some people hated her… whilst other people despised her… but to be fair, some people also had the greatest of admiration for her… and it’s unknown as to whether she will go to heaven or hell… if she does go to hell, then conditions won’t be as bad as they used to be there… as there is no longer any coal to stoke hell’s fires…

 

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Not very PCC…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received one ‘like’, which made it about as popular Lance Armstrong’s recent application to complete in swimming competitions – quite what he was going to be doing is a bit of a mystery, although I’d suspect that he was going to swim freestyle in the backstroke competition or something. That said, Armstrong isn’t the only person to have put in a botched application to compete in professional swimming events – Boris Johnson was recently rejected after he misunderstood the meaning of the ‘breaststroke competition’…

 

I was a bit surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t lead to me getting any comments from betting fans because of my lack of betting knowledge (I actually had £5 at 6 to 1 on me not receiving any letters). That said I don’t think I made myself sound stupid in respect to my betting knowledge – although I was disappointed that my tip for the first goal scorer in the Grand National wasn’t successful.

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which is about not much really – I’ve had a busy day and there’s bugger all in the news. 

 

One story I did notice though was that Britain’s first Youth Police and Crime Commissioner has been reprimanded for posting offensive messages on Twitter. 

 

In case you were unaware, the role of Police and Crime Commissioner is probably the most pointless role in public life (save for the bloke who stands outside Hartlepool’s football ground selling caviar) and the Police and Crime Commissioner for Kent then decided to appointed a Youth PCC – just to add another organisational layer of someone who does absolutely sod all (and collects £15,000 a year for it). 

 

The recruitment process was said to be open and honest by the Kent Police and Crime Commissioner… but unfortunately the chosen candidate had allegedly previously Tweeted offensive remarks that could be considered to be of a racist and homophobic nature… what a stupid Kent…

 

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And they’re off…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’, which made it about as popular a man who has eaten a load of baked bean and has slightly misunderstood the meaning of being in the wind section of an orchestra. I did however get a comment on an old ‘blog which I think was a fake comment by a ‘bot – the fact the ‘blog was described as well written and entertaining was a bit of a giveaway. 

 

I was a bit surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t get any correspondence from either the Chancellor George Osborne or the Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls – although they apparently both wanted to get in touch with me, but insisted that they couldn’t possibly agree on something, so they’re currently arguing with each other as to who will write to me. 

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move away from unethical politicians and move onto something a bit more upstanding: horse racing.

 

There was a popular and well known race on today and I backed Doris, Ethel and Peggy to be in the top three in today’s Gran National…

 

Although I’m told that the race actually involved 39 horses and apparently there was 1 seabass involved, who was a hotly tipped favourite – although it ultimately floundered.  

 

I believe that seabass was also ridden by Katie Walsh, who was riding in the National with Ruby Walsh – which made it the first time that two sisters were riding in the Grand National. 

 

There were a few interesting names in the race, with my chosen horses being called Hung Like a Human, Government’s Stance on Benefits (that one was blinkered) and Oscar Pistorius Following the Theft of His Legs (that was a non-runner). 

 

My own personal success in the National was limited as I backed one horse to win at 15 to 1 – but he was bloody useless and he couldn’t answer any of William G Stewart’s questions (that’s a pretty tenuous link, but hopefully fans of old Channel 4 daytime quiz shows will find that joke one amusing).  

 

This year’s race was a bit unusual in respect that it was televised on Channel 4 instead of the BBC much to many people’s annoyance. You know, Channel 4? It’s that TV channel that always puts the boring horse racing on a Saturday afternoon…

 

There wasn’t much to write home about in the race, but it was won by 66-1 outsider Auroras Encore and once Encore finished, all the racegoers cheered and chanted his name – so he came back out and ran the race again…

 

In all honesty though… the race appears to have been a success as no horses have been put down… last year’s race saw two horses being put down and some cheeky so and so tried to sell one of them to me… I told him that he was flogging a dead horse… fortunately he managed to sell it to Tesco though…

 

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What a Balls up…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it received no ‘likes’, which made it about as popular Phillip Schofield at an event for people who have jet-black hair. My ‘blog from a few weeks ago regarding the England vs New Zealand cricket series did bizarrely get a ‘like’ yesterday, which meant that ‘blog now has one like – making it about as interesting and popular as cricket itself.

 

I was a bit surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t get any correspondence from any of the Manchester City players, although apparently Carlos Tevez hurt his finger whilst sending me an email and consequently collapsed on the floor holding his head. After rolling around for a few minutes, the physio then gave him treatment and told him that he’d be out for 6 weeks as he had a hairline fracture on his index finger – so presumably he has really hairy hands or something…

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move away from football players and their driving offences and instead I’m going to talk about Politicians and… erm… their driving offences.

 

George Osborne’s ministerial car was pictured yesterday parked in a disabled bay, in spite of George Osborne not being disabled (well, not physically anyway). It’s pretty easy to criticise George Osborne (very easy in fact), however he can’t really be blamed for where a car carrying him is parked – after all, it would have parked in a pay and display bay, were it not for the fact that his driver doesn’t have any money thanks to the austerity measures put in place by our Chancellor (apparently he eats badgers as well – you might have to listen to the WOWS podcast to understand that reference).

 

He’s not the only one though, as Ed Balls (Balls *snigger*) revealed that he recently attended a Speed Awareness course after he was clocked at driving at 56 miles per hour on the motorway – f*cking hooligan, who the hell does he think he is driving at 56 on the motorway?

 

Obviously Ed Balls (whose name sounds like what Wayne Rooney does for a living) passed his Speed Awareness with aplomb: he identified that Speed 1 was the one where they were on the bus and Speed 2 took place on the cruise ship. 

 

Balls then moved around the room during the course and sat opposite numerous woman and told them the Speed 1 was released in 1994 and Speed 2 was released in 1997 – the woman were said to be very impressed with his Speed dating technique…

 

To be fair to Balls, he did fall foul of the fact that the stretch of the motorway where the offence took place had a reduced speed limit of 50 miles per hour… and he is now also campaigning to reduce the speed limit on certain roads in his West Yorkshire constituency to 20 miles per hour… as that way he’ll give himself a greater opportunity of breaking the speed limit again…

 

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In the driving seat…

There wasn’t much feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, it once again received no ‘likes’, which made it about as popular George Osborne and Iain Duncan-Smith in a benefits queue. That said, I’m guessing plenty of people in the benefits queue would happily throw coins at them – were it not for the fact that the probably don’t have any spare money…

 

I was a bit surprised that yesterday’s ‘blog didn’t get any correspondence from the people of North Korea, although I’m guessing their access to the internet is somewhat limited and in any event, a lot of North Koreans are getting involved in their national table tennis tournament – apparently it’s called the ping-Pyongyang… 

 

That said, the people of South Korea were also said to be busy as there was a big concert on in their capital city – with music from British R&B band Seoul II Seoul. 

 

Anyhow, it’s time to move on to today’s ‘blog, which is about the reassuring news that, despite the hardships faced by many people in the UK and the fact that someone who I think was called Phil Pot carried out the most wicked of crimes against 6 innocent children; one of the major stories on the BBC News website is that Manchester City winger Samir Nasri has been banned for driving for 6 months.

 

Nasri was fined around £2,100 (approximately a few hour’s wages) and banned from driving for 6 months. Bizarrely, according to the BBC News, ‘Nasri was originally convicted in June but this was overturned after he signed a declaration saying he was unaware his Mercedes had been caught on camera’ – this is a great way of getting out of a crime and I think I will now go and personally track down Piers Morgan and punch him repeatedly in the face and advise the police that I wasn’t aware that anyone saw the crime. 

 

The ‘news’ about Nasri comes just one day after his Manchester City colleague Carlos Tevez was given community service for driving whilst banned – apparently his excuse about him not being aware that anyone had seen him driving whist banned, controversially, didn’t stand-up in Court. 

 

It’s not the first-time Tevez has been involved in controversies, he once posed for a large billboard which said ‘Welcome To Manchester’. Although the billboard was vandalised and when questioned by Police as to why he felt a criminal act was necessary, the offender simply stated ‘Welcome To Manchester’…  

 

Tevez’s other major controversy was his reluctance to play football (typical footballer) in a Champions League game last year… Tevez said that his boss was a disgrace and treated him like a dog… as a result Tevez refused to stand on a field and run around after a ball…

 

By the way, episode 5 of the WOWS podcast is now available, make sure you listen to this thoroughly entertaining 26 minutes… well… maybe not…

 

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