Great news! We’re in rude health… we don’t care how you are

There’s wasn’t a great deal of feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog, which was loosely based on Britishness. Perhaps people read it and were silently fuming about its contents but have decided not to let me know? If so, surely you couldn’t get more British?

Anyhow, the major news of today is that the Office of Fair Trading announced that the petrol and diesel market is in rude health. Of course it is, they make a shed load of money. In any event, how can the Office of Fair Trading talk about open market structures? They totally monopolise the market for analysing whether people are trading fairly.

The report was welcomed by the director general of the UK Petroleum Industry Association, a Mr Chris Hunt, who was relieved at:

a) The report’s findings; and

b) The fact that people haven’t given him a ‘Jedward’ style nickname.

Suggestions that the author of the OFT’s report had been taking bribes from petroleum companies were swiftly denied when the following statement was released: ‘The suggestion that my findings have been influenced is a Total disgrace and I have released this statement following and Esso-s message from my employer. Should anyone believe I am subconsciously being influenced by the oil companies, then I suggest that they confront me instead of staying hidden in their Shell.

This news comes in the same week that BP announced that it would plead guilty to manslaughter charges in respect of the Deepwater Horizon disaster in 2010. Yet despite this, there appears to be no danger of BP having financial difficulty. The billions of pounds of claims they will face is just a drop in a shimmering oil-filled ocean (hope you liked that little oil pun there, I thought it was pretty Slick).

Quite how much this will end up costing BP is unknown, they’ve already received a heavy fine and they recently were penalised for a second occasion – so basically, this oil company has been re-fined… Yet, whatever happens to them, people will still need to buy petrol and people will even go out and panic buy it; although one man recently made a hash of it when his wife sent him out to panic buy and he came back with a disgusting hairy creature which could only communicate via grunting – he bought a pet-troll… Ultimately the petrol companies could pretty much charge whatever they want as people will always require petrol (a bit like alcohol, although you need petrol to go out to earn a living and you need alcohol to forget you have to go out to earn a living). In many respects, there’s little consumers can do; the service offered is often poor, yet the customer invariably has to go back… for example, I once went to buy petrol and the petrol kept telling my to f*ck off… it really was Crude oil…

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