Learn about our history… we used to be a great nation…

There was little feedback on yesterday’s ‘blog post about the rail network, although I did get a Tweet from National Rail saying they were going to issue a formal complaint against me by 17:56 today… this was then delayed to 18:21… then to 18:33… then to 18:39… then to 18:46… and as yet it simply hasn’t turned up.

Anyhow, it’s time to crack on with today’s ‘blog and I’m going to attempt to write a bit about immigration, albeit not in a Robert Kilroy-Silk kind of way.

To be clear I don’t really have any strong views on immigration, however I can confirm that I would never say that I’ve seen somewhere that was ‘overrun with foreigners’ – except from the time I went on holiday abroad, where there were absolutely loads of foreigners; thousands of them in fact… and they were pretty blasé about the whole thing…

I firmly believe that having a diverse workforce able to draw on knowledge from other cultures is highly important in the economy on both a micro and macro level. Although I once saw a foreigner worker who was dreadful at his job, he was working making props for a TV studio and was tasked with manufacturing the auditory passage of a sow – and he made a right pig’s ear of things…

Unfortunately, one of the most vocal proponents of foreign workers Steve Jobs, formerly of Apple, is no longer with us. He regularly attended the UK to meet with the Prime Minister and discuss with him the use of international workers, however he also use to steal cans of Mr Sheen from 10 Downing Street during the meetings – bloody jobs, coming over here and taking all our Polish… (I presume that’s what happened; I think I’ve heard that phrase banded around a bit and I’m kind of working backwards).

It was announced today by the Home Office that the UK citizenship test will now have a greater focus on the UK’s history and the handbook of Life in the United Kingdom has also been updated – it’s now only available online instead of just being available in libraries, as most of them have been closed.

They’ll be more questions directly asked about history, such as: What was the sequence of outcomes incurred by Henry VIII’s 6 wives? To which I think the answer is: divorced, beheaded, died, eaten by Henry VIII after he because he was hungry, squashed to death after Henry VIII accidentally sat on her, survived. Another one was: Who won the Battle of Trafalgar? I think this was Nelson Mandela, hence him having a statue erected in his honour in Trafalgar Square (a good bit of logic from me in that answer there – I’m not an idiot).

There are still questions about Britishness, for example about pub etiquette i.e. What do you do if you knock someone’s pint over? (run off being the normal answer in my experience) and What do you do you if a real ale drinker asks you what you’d recommend that’s light and hoppy? (tell them to consult the Good Beer Guide… or just wing-it and say ‘Heather Mills after she’s been on a diet’…).

The slightly confusing bit is that there are certain questions on the Britishness test that don’t appear to have any answers, such as: Are you South African? Can you play cricket? If the answer to both of those is yes, then the person answering the question is instantly whisked off to Lords and told to make sure they learn the line ‘I’ve always wanted to play for England’ off by heart.

Although obviously the English cricket team isn’t alone in getting non-UK born athletes to represent their relevant part of the British Isles. Mo Farah for example is Somalian born (he’s a British citizen now though. Although in any event, he’d never be deported as no-one from the UK border agency good would be able to catch up with him) and the UK and Chicago Bulls basketball star Luol Deng was born in war-torn Sudan, a place filled with crime, suffering and violence… he then moved to South London as a young child… talk about going out of the frying pan…

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